unable

Sunday, September 23, 2012 (7:01 a.m.)

Here I am,

Brat like. Brattish. Out of sorts. Disobedient. Unforgiving. Stubborn. Proud. YOU name it Father, I'll wear it.

“Loved”. “Much loved”. “Well loved”. “Blessed Child of God”. I don't deserve these titles. I know my childish behavior of yesterday. I saw all I did. I mindfully refused to love and forgive. I caught a grudge and I held tightly to it.

Even with the praying I continued doing throughout the day, I still wouldn't budge. This is me, confessing to You Most Holy God, I don't know how to come back from shutting down. I withdraw. I back away. And find myself stuck. Unwilling. No. Make that unable.

I am unable to love and forgive as You would have me do. It's a great concept. Just walk around through life not getting too irritated and annoyed because we know and love the Heavenly Father. Talk about having a childlike faith!

Father, I confess to having ample opportunity to do things differently yesterday. And I refused. I had my grudge and I continued adding to it with every perceived slight. It's exhausting carrying around bitterness and resentment. Especially that much!

Forgive me Father, I pray. Forgive the brat in me. Here again I am willing and not able to do this on my own. I shut down. It's easy for me to just say and feel like “I don't care”. But I do. You know I do!

I am willing for You to do in and through me that which I can't do for myself. I can will it 'til the cows come home. How do we proceed from here? How do I really, truly practice all this love and forgiveness I believe You want me offering to myself and others.

Mad and sad just seem SO much easier for me than glad. “Turn that frown upside down”. But I don't want to! There must be some kind of subliminal payoff.

Oh but look! Over here in First John. There are 'reflections on' and 'insights into confession and forgiveness'. Starting by referencing 1John 1:8-10, the insight reads, “The lesson is simple: confession must precede cleansing. Confession should be followed by a willingness to make amends where possible.” Ouch! Awkward. I don't want to! But I will. 'Cause Jesus died for my sins. And all this negativity I have so successfully stirred up is absolutely sin.

Forgive me Father, for I HAVE sinned! And thank You Jesus for covering my debt! You are so good and so gracious that I am again blessed by reading a devotion title Recurrent Sins. In it I am reminded, “We may feel awkward about bringing our recurrent sins before God. We may be embarrassed by the number of times we have had to deal with the same issues – issues that stubbornly refuse to be washed away.” Well 'Amen' to that!

Further down the author tells, “To confess means to agree with God that what He declares to be wrong really is wrong.” Yes Father. My current attitude and disposition are entirely wrong! Out of line with Your teachings of love and forgiveness.

And here comes the part that not only brings the faintest hint of a smile to my face, but the tears of repentance to my eyes. “And each time we confess a sin we have dealt with before, it's forgiven all over again. Some areas of our life need more cleaning than others! God doesn't get angry when we come back to Him again and again. This is the process He set up to cleanse the areas in our life that cause the most trouble.”

Thank You Father! Thank You for setting up a plan that provides a way out of my own self-imposed stubbornness. I'm willing. Make me able!

“There is no need to feel awkward. God wants us to come every time we sin.” Thank You for knowing me so darned well! Keep me practicing Your love and forgiveness through YOUR strength and power. I am absolutely unable to do it on my own.

I love You. Thank You. Amen.

(687 words ~ 8:24 a.m.)