obey

Tuesday, May 19, 2015 (6:03 a.m.)

Holy God,

(6:46 a.m.)

I sit. Think. Wonder. Avoid. Yes. I am avoiding You. Mm, thank You that I even get to tell You that. As much as I want to praise and worship and adore You, I mope and withdraw and ignore instead.

Father, there is sadness. Deeply rooted. Always has been. Show me. Teach me. Train me. Shake me. Do all You must to lead me exactly where You want me to go.

Ugh! And here's that word again... obedience. Followed by protests and whines from my heart and soul.

Thank You for the privilege of stomping my foot before You. Claiming that You just don't understand. I've gotten disillusioned again. And in so doing, my hope has waned. I don't want to obey. Because the likelihood of things turning out as I plan is small.

If I hope, I'll be disappointed. Again. So just refuse. How dumb is that?

Father, thank You that I get to share my heart with You. I don't have to keep trying to hide my thoughts and dispiritedness from You. You know them all full well anyway.

For all these many years I have claimed the phrase, “I can't. God can. I'll let Him.” Just now I wondered if “I won't. God will...” might be more fitting.

There are so many things I am able to do, yet I refuse. Rather than be grateful, I grouse. Instead of praising, I condemn. These thoughts, words and (in)actions aren't always intentional. They seem so much more like a knee jerk reaction.

I'm telling You straight out. I don't want to obey. I'm tired of trying. Every time I think I'm on the right road, there it is, up ahead, another mistake just waiting to happen. I don't know how to truly handle disappointment.

I pretend. I refuse. I withdraw. Please, Father, change me right here where I am. Take my mustard seed of faith (Matthew 17:20; Luke 17:6) and use it to move my self-imposed mountain of unwillingness. Do in and with, by, for and through me all that I either can't or won't on my own.

Yes Father, make me willing. Eager. To obey. Uh! ♫Change my heart oh God, Make it ever true. Change my heart oh God, May I be like You. You are the Potter, I am the clay, Mold me and make me, This is what I pray♫

I do! I do pray that You will make me obedient to Your will, not my own. Make me ready, willing and able to obey You as I ought.

I love You. And I thank You. Praise You. Worship You. Adore You. Thank You for helping me smile and WANT... You! 

Use me as only You can. Thank You. I love You. Amen.

(468 words ~ 8:01 a.m.)