the struggle continues

Sunday, October 28, 2012 (7:35 a.m.)

Amazing God of Glory,

It's taken almost an hour for me to remember how we were going to start our time together. Further evidence that I am still struggling with the idea of to Whom do I address my prayers. It's such a huge concept for me. Nothing simple about it. Is this a complication I'm creating for myself? Or a stumbling block set up by an outside entity attempting to keep me away from You?

As long as it's taken for me to get more accustomed to saying the name “Jesus”, returning to using “Father God” seems like I'm taking a giant step backward.

(11:33 a.m.)

Regardless, here I am, practically screaming, “Father God, hear my prayer”. You, the Mighty Godhead, Three-in-One helped me perfectly yesterday with the ability to let go of more than a grocery sized bag of items. A seemingly small start, but such a big beginning in my book.

Yet here I sit in near convulsive sobs as I just caught a glimpse of my dad's very distinctive hand writing. Paper work that is nearly 30 years old and should have been destroyed decades ago. Father God, this is the perfect example of how easily I am brought to the end of myself.

The contents of an envelope addressed in childlike scrawl from a youngest brother to his elder brings back many of the things I didn't know about my dad, yet somehow admired in him. The care he took of my developmentally delayed uncle has come crashing in. Reminding me once again how unprepared I am to go through this letting go process.

But You alone art God! And I am to love YOU with all of my heart and soul and mind and strength and my neighbors as myself (Mark 12:29-31). This I know to be true. Stuff is just stuff. And reminders are reminders.

I can remember a flawed man who truly loved his family but didn't seem to know You. And I can cry and carry on but no matter how tightly I hold on to any of these things, he's not coming back. Jesus is! THAT's where the focus has to be. Living my life for the One who beat death.

I can't possibly do any of this on my own. I am desperate for the power of the Holy Spirit. So, as I continue my struggle with how to begin and direct my prayers I am going to continue them none the less.

Thank You Father. Thank You Jesus. Thank You Holy Spirit. As I trust You to guide and direct me through all of this, I am back to singing the hymn that started in me over five hours ago.

♫All hail the pow'r of Jesus' name Let angels prostrate fall; Bring forth the royal diadem [jeweled crown or headband worn as a symbol of sovereignty] And crown Him Lord of all...♫

In doing so, another song has begun as a result. ♫There is pow'r, pow'r, wonder working pow'r In the blood of the Lamb. There is pow'r, pow'r, wonder working pow'r In the precious blood of the Lamb♫

Thank You Jesus for reminding me that there is absolutely nothing more powerful than Your name and Your blood. Thank You for Your obedience and Your sacrifice.

Thank You Father for reminding me that 'Your power shows up best in weak people' (2 Corinthians 12:9). As I turned in Your Word to include myself into the blessing with which Paul ended his letter to the people of Corinth, instead I am asking to be included.

“The amazing grace of the Master, Jesus Christ, the extravagant love of God, the intimate friendship of the Holy Spirit, be with all of you” (2 Corinthians 13:14).

Thank You Father. Thank You Son. Thank You Holy Ghost. I love You. Amen.

(643 words ~  1:21 p.m.)