turn around

Monday, April 7, 2014 (7:34 a.m.)

Holy Father God,

I am here this morning. Willing! Willing to believe You and Your Word. I heard a song last night. A song I have related to You in the past. A song that continues singing ever so gently in my deep subconscious.

(9:18 a.m.)

The song is still singing, but now a grumpiness has attached itself to my demeanor. The “I don't care”, “What difference does it?” attitude has once again returned. A bitterness if You will. A LIE. Yes an absolute lie! My head and heart are crashing together with hurt and despair.

Ah, but Lord. You are so good! I confess. I look up words and I am reminded of Truth. YOUR Truth! The antonyms for despair are hope and joy. Just yesterday I reminded myself to look for You and Your joy throughout the day. Every single time I found myself smiling I examined the source. Often it was You working through other people's kindnesses.

I'm going through a process here. Some kind of I don't know exactly what. But even in this I am choosing to thank You. To trust You. My usual go to responses are either to just give up and quit or to redouble my efforts in the same vein. You know, continue to bash my head even harder against the same wall.

Instead, I'm choosing You. Wherever You are in all of my current refusal and rebellion. I have nothing to show to anyone but You. There is negativity all around me in relationships and behaviors. I don't understand them. I can't change them. So I am choosing to again look to You. The Author and Finisher of our faith (Hebrews 12:2).

~

ARGH! Ack! And all the other non four letter words I can choose to use. I'm going to take the five minute nonthinking writing time and just let you have my hearrt. Completely uncensored, not looking back. Not rereading just tapping out my heart to you so you can make sense out of all I'm holding in. Or trying to I love You No punctuation not approprate capitals just love. Pure and simple I ove You. I trust You. I don't know You like I want to know You but I trust You anyway. Becasue it makes so much more sense to me than trusting the peole around me. There are so many mistakes taking place. Helath issues. Huge fears. How many of them are real and how many of them are going to resolve themselves. I confess to being sacred God. I'm sure that just came out sacred instead of scared and maybe I am suppose to be sacred... set aside but I sure don't feel like it I feel all messed up. Embroiled embattled messed up. Yep that phrase again it keeps cocming up and the funny thing I forgot to check the five minute start time so again I say I love You Mistake and all messing thinking scrambled heart sadness all around me tears whenever I think of the loss and the cost and then I come back to focusing on You rarely barely just enough to get me through another day not abundant;y on the fringe barely particpating just enough keep pretending

~

So what do I do now? Go back to the song. There's great wisdom in the song. Because I choose to believe it's You talking to me. I feel sad. I am truly greatly blessed, yet I feel profoundly sad. Stomping my foot, digging my heels in kind of sadness.

What will You do with it? If I bring this sadness to You, because it's what I have to offer You, how will You bless it? I ask because I trust You. I ask because I believe You will accept my heart, as hurt as it is. My soul, with it's discouragements and disappointments. My mind, complete with all it's scrambles. And my strength, as currently undisciplined as it. What will it look like when You turn me around to loving You with all my heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark 12:30) and my neighbor as myself (31)?

I could sit and pretend. I could write only the pretty thoughts, of which there are many. But You deserve more. You deserve the stuff I won't share with anybody else. The anger. Bitterness. Hurt. Disappointment. I trust You to do in and for, with and through me all that I am absolutely unable to make happen on my own.

You, Jesus, the Author and Finisher. The Friend above all friends (John 15:13-15).

(10:34 a.m.)

A phone call. A sharing of hurt feelings. A prayer for courage and opportunity. A deep breath and a somewhat renewed spirit. And a huge thank You for the peace that has come over my heart.

Nothing has changed. Except my attitude. The circumstances are all as they were when I first came to You, but now there is a glimmer of hope. Not hope in any particular outcome. No. This hope comes from just loving and trusting You.

Yes. Hope. ♫My hope [that] is built on nothing less Than Jesus' blood and righteousness; I dare not trust the sweetest frame, But wholly lean on Jesus' name. On Christ, the solid Rock I stand: All other ground is sinking sand♫

Yep. That's You. Our Solid Rock. Where I'm choosing to place all my faith and hope. And with that said, let me ask You to guide and direct my thoughts and steps this day. Turning my focus back to the song with which we began our time together, here I sing out my belief that You really are speaking to me through this 'oldie'.

I don't think it's a stretch to believe You are calling me to ♫Turn around, look at You♫ There is great comfort in my thinking of You watching my every footstep, standing beside me, loving and guiding me, and waiting forever for me to come to You. I get to choose to ♫Look at Someone who really loves me, yeah loves me♫ And what do I have to do? Turn around. Look at You.

(12:20 p.m.)

So here I am. Still turning around. No. Not in circles. More like a backwards glance. Deciding. Am I really going back?

The Contemporary English Version says of Jeremiah 8:4, “The People Took the Wrong Road The Lord said: People of Jerusalem, when you stumble and fall, you get back up, and if you take a wrong road, you turn around and go back.”

I have taken wrong roads. So often that they are completely familiar to me. The Message continues this passage (through verse 7) in words describing myself. “So why does this people go backward, and just keep on going – backward! They stubbornly hold on to their illusions, refuse to change direction” (5).

Doesn't that perfectly describe me? Oh but wait. It gets even better! “I listened carefully but heard not so much as a whisper of regret. Not a single 'I'm sorry' did I hear. They just kept at it, blindly and stupidly banging their heads against a brick wall” (6).

I tend to say the “I'm sorry”s, I just don't seem to follow through with the change of direction!

“Cranes know when it's time to move south for winter. And robins, warblers and bluebirds know when it's time to come back again. But my people? My people know nothing, not the first thing of God and His rule” (7).

I am confessing to You right now Blessed Father and God, I have made so many mistakes I currently don't know up from down. I no longer want to waste time and energy on that which does not matter.

As I turn around and look at the Someone who really loves me, how can I not run headlong back into Your arms? I love You! I long to serve You! WELL! Make it so in me. Make it so.

Thank You for loving me. Thank You for calling me. Thank You for leading me. Take control of my choices and actions. Thank You. I love You. Amen.

(1358 words ~ 12:54 p.m.)