♫I refuse♫

Thursday, August 8, 2013 (5:35 a.m.)

♫I refuse♫

Those are the words I keep singing to a beautiful melody we found out weeks ago belong to “The King and I”. Under other circumstances the words are supposed to be ♫I have dreamed♫.

I confess to You Dearest Father, I have stopped dreaming. Instead, I refuse. To dream. To care. To forgive. To love.

This refusal is not serving me well. Angry, bitter tones do not make for healthy attitudes. Walling myself off from others does nothing to improve hurting relationships. Avoiding You is absolutely not the course to take. Yet here I've been. Stubborn. Ornery. Belligerent.

So Father, tell me how to change. Show me. Teach me. Do in, with, to and for me that which I am completely unable to do with myself. I want to be loving. But I'm not. I keep attempting to be peaceable. It's not happening. Communication has clogged. Frustration has set in. But far worse than all that, is the hopelessness with which I begin each encounter. I no longer believe, trust, hope or dream that circumstances will be any different than they already are.

And with that said as honestly as I can put it, I turn to You. To Your Son. Our Redeemer. His grace, love and mercy. I truly have come to the end of myself. Just because I think something doesn't make it so. You are good. You are faithful. These are truths that do not change. Tides turn. The visibility of the sun and moon comes and goes. You do not. You are in Whom I must trust. Not circumstances. Not people.

There are many words I can use to replace the two with which I began this. ♫I believe♫. ♫I can trust♫. ♫I will hope♫. All of these only because of Your great and wonderful love for each of us. You guide and direct my thoughts when I allow You to. You are a Gentleman. You won't do anything with me unless I am willing. And I am! I am willing to let You do all that You know is best. Even though I have little idea what that is.

Looking up ♫Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus♫ I was directed to Hebrews 12:2. While reading there I was reminded again of the importance of coming to You. Left on my own, anger and bitterness will continue running rampant. Confessing them to You allows me once again to believe and trust that You do indeed have a plan for me. A plan for good and not for evil. A plan to give me a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11).

Turning to You and Your Word, again I am blessed by reading Your Truth. “Be careful that none of you fails to respond to the grace which God gives, for if he does there can very easily spring up in him a bitter spirit which is not only bad in itself but can also poison the lives of many others” (Hebrews 12:15). Blessed Father, I have already seen this happen. A precious 23 month old was caught in the crossfire of bitterness the other morning and was adversely affected by it.

Although I recognized it immediately, I was powerless to change my part in it. That is why I again come to You. Asking, seeking, knocking (Matthew 7:7) that You will do all that I am unable. Work forgiveness into my being. Grow the fruit of Your Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23a) into my heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark 12:30).

Father, I long to love You as I ought. Completely. This is absolutely not something I can do on my own. Rather than continuing to hold myself at bay, I release myself into Your loving, faithful, competent, trustworthy arms. 1John 4:20-21 recounts the importance of dropping my guard. “If anyone says, 'I love God' but keeps on hating his brother, he is a liar; for if he doesn't love his brother who is right there in front of him, how can he love God whom he has never seen? And God Himself has said that one must love not only God but his brother too [Mark 12:31].”

Blessed Father God, this is where I turn again to You. To Jesus. To Your Loving Holy Spirit asking, seeking, knocking that Your love would be made complete in me (1John 4:17). That very love which is described further up in this very chapter. “Dear friends, let us practice loving each other...” (v.7a). Practice. Other translations say: devote, continue.

I walked away from Your teachings Father. My feelings got hurt. My heart became disillusioned. My mind replayed mostly negative, unproductive thoughts. My strength began to fade away.

Right now I would like to change the very beginning of this heartfelt, honest prayer to You. Instead of refusing You and Your love most Blessed God, ♫I repent♫ (Revelation 3:19). And in so doing, ♫I receive♫.

A devotion simply entitled Love (for Revelation 3:14-22) in The Life Recovery Bible says, “Trying to love without first receiving God's love is like trying to water something with a hose that's disconnected from the faucet. When we receive God's unconditional love for us, we can begin to love ourself. We are then told to love others as we love ourself and as Jesus has loved us. There is a boundless reservoir of love available to us; but without receiving the love of God in Christ we will quickly run dry.”

I ran dry Dearest God. I refused You and Your love and I quickly ran dry. Thank You that Your love is so much stronger and permanent than my refusal to accept it. Forgive me for my childish, stubborn tantrums of late. Thank You for Your love that truly covers over a multitude of sins (1Peter 4:8). Thank You Father. I love You so very much. Help me use Your love well this day. ♫I am blessed♫ and grateful and forgiven. Thank You Father. Amen.

(1000 words ~ 8:03 a.m.)