"I want to want"

Tuesday, November 17, 2015 (6:33 a.m.)

Most Blessed Father God,

Thank You! Praise You. Bless You. Keep You.

I've been absent lately. Physically, as well as emotionally. Thank You that You not only know my heart, but also, my mind. You've watched me struggle with disappointment. Disillusionment. Sadness. And the pure and simple fact that I miss my mom! And dad.

But it's been so much longer since he's been gone from us. And he didn't do too much of the cooking. Yes. The holidays are coming up and I'm wanting again to run away and try to hide from them. I could make an endless list of all the things I miss.

Things I'm not willing to put the time or energy into trying to recreate. But the overwhelming sadness that continues attempting to steal my joy keeps my mind fully aware of wanting to do only that which will create lasting value.

This is where You come in. Again. Always. As You ought. YOU ought to be that for which we are most thankful. You are Who we are to love and celebrate with all of our hearts, souls, minds and strength (Mark 12:30).

Blessed Father, You've kept me company again these past many nights. Beginning last Thursday while alone in the house deciding to nurse a grudge or not. THANK YOU that You showed me Your much better way. Forgiveness.

Mm. Yes. Father. It is Your loving forgiveness that even allows us into Your presence. Feeling guilty for choosing not to come before You all these days was enough to keep me away even longer.

Early this morning, it was while considering the grief I've been attempting to run away from that I coined the acronym “G-od r-eally i-s e-xtremely f-aithful”. Thank You Father that You are.

On the tails of that came one for guilty. “G-od u-ltimately i-s l-ovingly t-rue”. Thank You again.

It is all the gr~ words that brought me back here to You. Yesterday I realized I was growling. Grumbling. And occasionally grinning. It was the grins that truly made me grateful.

I could feel them. I even took five minutes to write out my feelings yesterday and wanting to smile was one of the things that came out. Actually, “wanting to want” came up more than once.

Thank You Blessed Father. Thank You that in this world of tribulation [distress, suffering, trials, frustration, affliction, troubles, oppression, disease] we get to take heart [be: brave, courageous, confident, certain, encouraged, undaunted, filled with joy, of good cheer / comfort, unshakable, assured] because Your Precious Son has overcome [power over, triumphed over] the world (John 16:33).

Most Holy God, I confess to the far too many times I lose my focus. It so easily shifts from Your promises and Truth to the devastation and fear I see in the world. Thank You that You are bigger. Better. All the things we need You to be.

Forgive my selfishness Blessed God. Keep working Your blessed hope in me. Let me not lose sight of all that matters to You. Help it matter to me.

I love You Dearest Lord. Work in me this day that I would glorify and represent You well. I want to want all You have for me.

Change my focus. Put it back on Jesus, where it so rightfully belongs. I love You. I want You. Help me serve You as You wish. Thank You. I love You. Amen.

(574 words ~ 8:18 a.m.)