unsure

Monday, December 16, 2013 (7:19 a.m.)

Holy Father,

This morning I'm here trying to manufacture something I haven't got. Awe. Eagerness. Instead I'm refusing. Refusing to go. Refusing to do.

I don't know what is behind this refusal. So I'm bringing it straight to You!

The sky was gorgeous. It didn't do the trick. I know I'm 'sposed to ♫Rejoice in You [the Lord] Always♫ Yet I'm not.

Is that because I can't or I won't? I could probably do the lip service, but You'd still know my heart. My soul. My mind. My strength.

So tell me. What would You have me do this morning? Where in Your Word do I turn? What do You most want me to learn and apply?

Is this a form of Spiritual Warfare? Is something attacking me? There's a sadness I can't shake. Again, is it that I truly can't? Or I won't?

(8:06 a.m.)

Finally! Yea! Thank You! Thank You for guiding me. Thank You for reminding me.

I've been planning for days to go somewhere and do something this morning. As soon as I got up I had the overwhelming feeling that I wasn't to follow through.

Father God, this concerned me. Why would I not want to go? What's the deal? Why change my mind? But I can't shake it. So here I sit. Snuggled up in Your Word. Asking. Seeking. Knocking (Matthew 7:7-8).

With tears in my eyes and a peacefulness in my being I am finally willing to sit here and enjoy You! Thank You Father.

Thank You for the walk over to Ephesians 6:10-17. Followed by the turning of the pages to SADNESS in the Life Recovery TOPICAL INDEX. “Step 4 – Facing the Sadness” took me to Nehemiah 8:7-10 which reminded me of Naaman's unwillingness to go and wash himself seven times in the Jordan River (2Kings 5:10-11).

Father, so many times I'm unsure if I'm unable or unwilling to obey. Unsure. Uncertain. Unconfident. Then I look to Your Word and am reminded “the joy of the Lord is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10b).

It is looking in Your Word that I was prompted to look at Matthew 7:7 and read again the importance of asking, seeking and knocking. Off to the side of Matthew 6:31-33, I read in my own writing ♫Seek Ye First the Kingdom of God♫

Across the page is a Serenity Prayer devotional for verses 25 through 34 reminding me of the importance of living one day at a time. Because of Your provision I get to read what the prophet Jeremiah told Your people in his Lamentations (3:22-23) to them. “It is only the Lord's mercies that have kept us from complete destruction. Great is His faithfulness; His loving-kindness begins afresh each day.”

A question in this reading we are to ask ourselves at every turn in life is, “Am I accepting this present moment, or am I pretending – trying to escape into the past or the future?”

With asking myself that very thing, I find myself unsure of changes going on with my physical state. I fret. I stew. I try to change them. You know Your best for me. Am I trusting You to guide and direct me even with my body?

Continuing with the devotional. “For each day, there is something to find joy in, and there is strength promised for the troubles of that day. The psalmist wrote, 'This is the day that the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it' (Psalm 118:24).”

And then came my 'Hallelujah' moment.

“We, too, can choose to find joy, strength, and sanity when we accept today's realities.” My current reality is feeling unsure about what to do next. I am still uncertain for the reason for staying home this morning. But the absolute joy that has come this morning is the willingness; the decision to embrace Your Truth. “This IS the day that the Lord has made.” And I WILL rejoice and be glad in it! That I can do. Because of You!

Thank You Father. I love You. Hallelujah! Amen.

(683 words ~ 9:16 a.m.)