joy in the process

Veteran's Day Monday, November 11, 2013 (7:26 a.m.)

Blessed Holy Father God,

I've been absent. From You. From myself. From everyday life. I've been avoiding. Neglecting. Withdrawing. Rather than continuing to sit around trying to figure out what is going on [or 'off'] with me, I'm finally able to thank You again.

Father, thank You for the commitment to finally do a sink [and counter] full of dishes. It sure doesn't seem like much. But after a few days of just passing them by and leaving them be, I actually experienced joy in the process.

As the sun caught and reflected off the sparkles on my shirt, small flashes of light danced around the windowsill and with them a spark of joy. A true desire to say “Thank You God”.

I tried yesterday Father. I sat. I prayed. I listened. I learned. I attempted participation. I pretended. I smiled. I avoided. And resisted. But not entirely. There were moments of sincere satisfaction. While not to be confused with all out joy, there was true gladness.

Father, do I expect too much? Try too hard? Shut down too quickly? Work in me to Your good and Your glory Blessed God.

So... let me be honest and confess my feelings of disjointedness. It's been twenty years since my Daddy died. Twenty years of change and difference. Twenty years of tears and good things. Twenty years of imbalance. Twenty years of growing, retreating and starting all over again.

Father God, thank You for Your presence in this process. This process that is so incredibly different than I ever expected it to be.

Thank You for the willingness to finally come to You with an open and honest heart. Thank You for the tears I've finally allowed to come. Tears that wash over my heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark 12:30). Healing tears. Joyful tears. Tears I didn't even know were there. Thank You Father.

Thank You that You don't leave us alone (Deuteronomy 31:6) in our process. Thank You that there IS joy to be found.

Yesterday, I struggled to find footing with You. I intentionally smiled every time I caught myself not smiling. I sought Your Truth, even in the midst of avoiding it. This morning I finally came to the point of surrender. Thank You Father.

Thank You that in so doing I get to wholeheartedly repeat to You the hope found in the glory of the sky early yesterday morning. Psalm19:1-6 says it best for me. And now I get to close with the final verse of that chapter.

“May my spoken words and unspoken thoughts be pleasing even to You, O Lord my Rock and my Redeemer” (v. 14).

You are here for us. Here with us. Helping us find joy in the process. And I thank You. Wholeheartedly. Thank You. I love You. Amen.

(473 words ~ 8:20 a.m.)