H.O.W.

Thursday, June 7, 2018 (8:17 a.m.)

Tahoe Vista, CA

Most Blessed Holy God,

Thank You! You gifted me again. When sleep didn’t happen for hours on end, the urge to go out and look at the night [very early morning] sky would not be abated.

Considering the options of which warmer clothing to put on kept growing until there I was. Barefoot. Sleepwear. Long sleeved shirt. Sleeveless hoody. Very cold. And literally starstruck.

Oh, Blessed Father. 

(9:13 a.m.)

Yes. Blessed Father.

A brief interruption. Time to cuddle and learn with a four year old.

(9:24 a.m.)

More learning. And now visiting. Mm, Father. Thanks. Thanks for love. And honesty. And openness. And willingness.

Yes. Willingness. The word that came to me before 3 o’clock this morning. “the quality of being prepared to do something; readiness”.

Father, I confess to You the need for willingness. I have an unforgiveness I have been harboring for eight years. A comment was made and I took offense. I have held tightly to my “right” to feel hurt and resentful.

Now look at this… Right next to the synonyms. “CHOOSE THE RIGHT WORD See sin”. BAM! Ouch. I’ve known it. Attempted to ignore and justify my behavior through the years.

So here I am. Better late than never? Asking You to cover me with Your mercy and grace that I would in turn offer it to another.

I honestly am not there. Not on my own. But with You? All things are possible. “For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need” (Philippians 4:13).

Holy God. I confess to You the turmoil that is going on within me right now. I absolutely feel tossed from side to side. I unequivocally know that I am called to forgive.

(10:30 a.m.)

Thank You Father for the time it has taken me to struggle with this issue. Thank You for the difficulty I had in finding the verses that speak of Paul’s desire to do what is right (Romans 7:15-24).

Struggle. Yes. Absolute painful, irrefutable struggle. Tearful. Knowing I am wrong in my thinking. Desperately wanting to think, say, be and do as You wish. And at the very same time not yet willing to let go of the hurt that has since become a part of my thinking, feeling, being self.

Forgive me. Again and again I come back to asking You to forgive what I am yet unable to forgive in myself.

Pettiness. Yes. Absolute pettiness: “undue concern with trivial matters, especially of a small-minded or spiteful nature”. Yep. Me in a nutshell.

You gave me two shooting stars in a matter of minutes much earlier this morning. Such brief moments of absolute awesomeness. A deeper and darker night sky from which I am most familiar, making constellations and galaxies incredibly vivid. Again showing me how very little I know and understand about Your creation.

Of what I am absolute aware? I am called to love. You. Myself and others. With all of my heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark 12:30-31). We are told this repeatedly. Often.

Paul gave us a very clear description (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) of what love is and what it is not. Holy Spirit I need You to make it right within me (Romans 8:5-13). On my own, in my own strength and power I don’t stand a chance.

Blessed, Holy God, I come to You begging. Pleading. Asking. Replace my stubbornness with the willingness of which we spoke so much earlier.

The Message (Galatians 5:22-23) tells me, “But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard - things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.”

Yes Blessed Father. Make it so. Do all You must in, with, by, through and for me that I would be willing to truly love another as You command. I love You. I trust You. I struggle. I ask You. And I thank You. Oh most Blessed God how I thank You. Amen.

(749 words ~ 11:00 a.m.)