Thursday,
August 8, 2013 (5:35 a.m.)
♫I
refuse♫
Those are the words I keep singing to a beautiful melody we found out
weeks ago belong to “The King and I”. Under other circumstances
the words are supposed to be ♫I
have dreamed♫.
I confess to You Dearest Father, I have stopped dreaming. Instead, I
refuse. To dream. To care. To forgive. To love.
This refusal is not serving me well. Angry, bitter tones do not make
for healthy attitudes. Walling myself off from others does nothing to
improve hurting relationships. Avoiding You is absolutely not the
course to take. Yet here I've been. Stubborn. Ornery. Belligerent.
So Father, tell me how to change. Show me. Teach me. Do in, with, to
and for me that which I am completely unable to do with myself. I
want to be loving. But I'm not. I keep attempting to be peaceable.
It's not happening. Communication has clogged. Frustration has set
in. But far worse than all that, is the hopelessness with which I
begin each encounter. I no longer believe, trust, hope or dream that
circumstances will be any different than they already are.
And with that said as honestly as I can put it, I turn to You. To
Your Son. Our Redeemer. His grace, love and mercy. I truly have come
to the end of myself. Just because I think something doesn't make it
so. You are good. You are faithful. These are truths that do not
change. Tides turn. The visibility of the sun and moon comes and
goes. You do not. You are in Whom I must trust. Not circumstances.
Not people.
There are many words I can use to replace the two with which I began
this. ♫I
believe♫.
♫I
can trust♫.
♫I
will hope♫.
All of these only because of Your great and wonderful love for each
of us. You guide and direct my thoughts when I allow You to. You are
a Gentleman. You won't do anything with me unless I am willing. And I
am! I am willing to let You do all that You know is best. Even though
I have little idea what that is.
Looking up ♫Turn
Your Eyes Upon Jesus♫
I was directed to Hebrews 12:2. While reading there I was reminded
again of the importance of coming to You. Left on my own, anger and
bitterness will continue running rampant. Confessing them to You
allows me once again to believe and trust that You do indeed have a
plan for me. A plan for good and not for evil. A plan to give me a
future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11).
Turning to You and Your Word, again I am blessed by reading Your
Truth. “Be careful that none of you fails to respond to the grace
which God gives, for if he does there can very easily spring up in
him a bitter spirit which is not only bad in itself but can also
poison the lives of many others” (Hebrews 12:15). Blessed Father, I
have already seen this happen. A precious 23 month old was caught in
the crossfire of bitterness the other morning and was adversely
affected by it.
Although I recognized it immediately, I was powerless to change my
part in it. That is why I again come to You. Asking, seeking,
knocking (Matthew 7:7) that You will do all that I am unable. Work
forgiveness into my being. Grow the fruit of Your Holy Spirit
(Galatians 5:22-23a) into my heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark
12:30).
Father, I long to love You as I ought. Completely. This is absolutely
not something I can do on my own. Rather than continuing to hold
myself at bay, I release myself into Your loving, faithful,
competent, trustworthy arms. 1John 4:20-21 recounts the importance of
dropping my guard. “If anyone says, 'I love God' but keeps on
hating his brother, he is a liar; for if he doesn't love his brother
who is right there in front of him, how can he love God whom he has
never seen? And God Himself has said that one must love not only God
but his brother too [Mark 12:31].”
Blessed Father God, this is where I turn again to You. To Jesus. To
Your Loving Holy Spirit asking, seeking, knocking that Your love
would be made complete in me (1John 4:17). That very love which is
described further up in this very chapter. “Dear friends, let us
practice loving each other...” (v.7a). Practice. Other translations
say: devote, continue.
I walked away from Your teachings Father. My feelings got hurt. My
heart became disillusioned. My mind replayed mostly negative,
unproductive thoughts. My strength began to fade away.
Right now I would like to change the very beginning of this
heartfelt, honest prayer to You. Instead of refusing You and Your
love most Blessed God, ♫I
repent♫
(Revelation 3:19). And in so doing, ♫I
receive♫.
A devotion simply entitled Love
(for
Revelation 3:14-22) in The Life Recovery Bible
says, “Trying to love without first receiving God's love is like
trying to water something with a hose that's disconnected from the
faucet. When we receive God's unconditional love for us, we can begin
to love ourself. We are then told to love others as we love ourself
and as Jesus has loved us. There is a boundless reservoir of love
available to us; but without receiving the love of God in Christ we
will quickly run dry.”
I
ran dry Dearest God. I refused You and Your love and I quickly ran
dry. Thank You that Your love is so much stronger and permanent than
my refusal to accept it. Forgive me for my childish, stubborn
tantrums of late. Thank You for Your love that truly covers over a
multitude of sins (1Peter 4:8). Thank You Father. I love You so very
much. Help me use Your love well this day. ♫I
am blessed♫
and grateful and forgiven. Thank You Father. Amen.
(1000
words ~ 8:03 a.m.)
