powerlessness

Sunday, February 13, 2011 (7:53 a.m.)

Loving Lord,

I love You.

Monday, February 14, 2011 (9:03 a.m.)

That’s as far as I could get yesterday. Pure. Simple. Stuck. Lord, I have to confess to You that I am struggling. Physically. Emotionally. And I truly don’t know what to do.

I thought for sure I was going to come and talk with You about love. Your love for us. Ours for You. One to another. But no. I’m here with James 1. Reading about difficulties being good for us (vs.2-4). And making sure that we really expect You to tell us when we ask You what You want us to do (5-8).

I feel like a failure Lord. “Unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind” (6). ARGH! Lord! 'Every decision I’ve made recently truly has been uncertain, as I turn first this way and then that' (7).

So. Lord. Just what would You have me do? Where do I fit in with my own life? How do I get passed the self-doubts and looking to others for permission and validation? It’s been over a week. I thought I had a clear direction from You. I expected it to be met with great acceptance and encouragement. When it wasn’t, I warily proceeded.

Cautiously. Guarding myself against opposition that I was sure would tell me I was wrong. Without intending it, the court of public opinion became a factor. And once again I am stalled. Caving. Unsure whether to continue on or to quit.

It’s a pattern of my life, Lord. I am truly confessing powerlessness to You Dearest Lord. I began doubting myself last week and now I’m practically drowning in the self-doubt.

Put my eyes back on You Dearest Lord.

(1:45 p.m.)

I took some more time away from here. Read again about Peter taking his eyes off You and looking at the high waves (Matthew 14:30). Lord, I keep doing that. This life with You is constant. Eternal. NOT for just one particular set of circumstances or situations. ‘It’s a marathon, not a sprint.’ And right at this very moment, I am not up to the task.

Once again I am confessing powerlessness. I am working through the twelve steps of recovery and in humbly asking You to remove my shortcomings, I am having to take a good, hard look at them. I am used to ignoring them Lord. Overlooking them. Working on other things in order to avoid them. Staying the course and working to identify my own issues is taxing. Daunting. Uncomfortable. But ultimately freeing.

Thank You Lord for the husband with whom I can share my innermost hurts and fears. Thank You for the relationship You are building between us that enables me to trust and be not afraid. Thank You for honesty, openness and willingness.

Give me the courage that Peter had to get out of the boat and to take that very first step. Keep my focus on You Dear Lord, NOT on the doubts and fears that so readily take me captive and keep me paralyzed.

I love You, Lord. It’s all I could think to say yesterday. Thank You that that is a truth that never changes. Like You! Constant. Eternal. Amen.

(548 words ~ 2:04 p.m.)

words

Saturday, February 12, 2011 (7:59 a.m.)

Blessed Lord,

I come before You this morning Lord asking for words. Words to articulate my thoughts, feelings and gratitude to others.

(10:04 a.m.)

Mm. Lord. You are so good. For over two hours I have looked around in Your Word trying to find the verse You’d have for me today. When my search grew to over 400 possibilities I thought I’d never find it. Then I added the word ‘gratitude’ to the search and here I am in Colossians 3, traveling up from verse 16.

The title of this section (1-17) is “Principles to Live By”. Oh my Dearest Lord. What perfection. You know exactly what I need and just where it is I am to look for it. Thank You Lord.

Thank You that already this morning I’ve been able to use verse 13 to offer hope and insight into two different relationships. “Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” Mm. Yes Lord. Forgive others. Yes.

Taking a look at The Cotton Patch Gospel, I read that we are to go after the things that are of You (v. 1) and kill off the things of this world (v.5). Then starting with verse twelve, we are to “Wear the clothes, then, that will identify you as people whom God has selected and dedicated and loved. Your outfit should include a tender heart, kindness, genuine humility, loyalty, persistence.”

Again reading through verse thirteen and then taking up at 14, “Over all these things wear love, which is the robe of maturity. And (15) let Christ’s peace, into which you were called as one fellowship, order your lives. And be thankful for it.” Yes Lord. Thankful.

Now changing over to The Living Bible (v. 16), I read “Remember what Christ taught, and let His words enrich your lives and make you wise; teach them to each other and sing them out in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing to the Lord with thankful hearts.” Mm, yes Lord. YOUR words!

Concluding with verse seventeen I pray the ability to adhere to these principles. “And whatever you do or say, let it be as a representative of the Lord Jesus, and come with Him into the presence of God the Father to give Him your thanks.” Yes Lord. This I pray. Give me Your words. Thank You. I love You. Amen.

(408 words ~ 11:25 a.m.)

frustration

Friday, February 11, 2011 (6:54 a.m.)

Blessed Lord,

You are good and I am fighting myself this morning. Growling. Grumbling. Not in the least bit grateful. Just brat-like. Again.

So what will You do with me Lord? Speak to me about frustration? That’s all it is, isn’t it? I’m feeling frustrated. And I’m bringing it all right straight to You.

Thank You Lord. Thank You that even when I have set myself with seeming insurmountable tasks, You are right here to either help me succeed or recognize the flaws in my thinking. Thank You Lord that You are helping me learn that even though my thinking may at times be skewed, that doesn’t mean that I am inherently wrong. Thank You Lord. Thank You.

Thank You that You would use King Nebuchadnezzar and Your three faithful followers to again speak to me about devotion to You. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego faced a fiery furnace (Daniel 3) in faithfulness to You. I didn’t complete a few self-proclaimed projects yesterday and I’m stomping around here, wanting to kick something.

Thank You Lord. Thank You that even in the midst of my own unruliness, I get to come before You in all gruffness and You are still willing to work with me. Thank You Lord.

Thank You that because Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were so willing and able to stand firm in their faith in You the king ultimately praised You. What faithfulness. What commitment. What love. Forgive me my frustrations Lord. Work in and through me today. As YOU wish!

Thank You. I love You. Amen.

(264 words ~ 8:00 a.m.)

weird

Thursday, February 10, 2011 (8:04 a.m.)

Holy God,

I come to You this morning confessing weird. Strange. Odd. Quirky. Eccentric. Freakish. Unique… Not the way most people would want to describe themselves. But it fits. So very comfortably.

Speak to me this morning Lord. Talk to me about embracing my inner weirdness. I am NOT like other people. The way I think. The things that excite me. I’m different. W-A-Y different!

Where is this observation coming from? I have a project to do today. A project I took on as I believe was led by You. A project with which I truly am very pleased. Sending Valentine greetings as thank you notes for my mom’s condolences from last year. It’s weird Lord. The words morbid and gross have been used to describe the idea. Yet here I sit looking at the ones I created yesterday and I am pleased. Filled with self-doubt. And pleased!

Lord. I am asking You for the courage to just be me. The me You created me to be. I want to look to YOU for acceptance and approval. NOT to other people like I have through the bulk of my life. I love You. You created me. Weird as I can possibly be. Tap dancing, piano playing, puzzle solving, water loving me. I have fun being me. I enjoy my own company. I smile and laugh a lot on my own. It’s the social interactions where I doubt myself the most. The wondering if others think I am as weird as I know I am. Give me courage Lord. Courage to just go with my gut. Courage to send these notes with all the love and honor with which they were made. Courage to honor a woman who truly was “so loved” that no other day would be better to send out remembrances of her than one of her most favorite holidays.

And as boldly as I speak to You here Lord, the prayer of my heart still remains one of acceptance. I don’t want Mom’s friends and loved ones to think of me as weird as I think of myself.

I love You Lord. Empower me to do the right thing. Give me the words to express our love and thanks and to bypass the weirdness as much as possible. I love You. Thank You. Amen.

(392 words ~ 9:19 a.m.)

rule follower

Wednesday, February 9, 2011 (6:04 a.m.)

Awesome, Blessed Lord God,

Thank You! Yesterday I came before You feeling lost and disgruntled. I confessed a rotten attitude and throughout the course of the morning You changed it for me.

Thank You Lord. There was even an “Aha!” moment where I realized what I was most upset about. I have not been setting, nor maintaining, healthy emotional boundaries for myself. And just in recognizing that fact I felt the cloud of doom lift from around my shoulders. Thank You Lord.

Thank You too for the time yesterday when I heard myself say repeatedly that I am such a rule follower. It probably wasn’t earlier than the fourth or fifth time until I became fully aware that if I am going to be following anything with such intent, I want it to be YOU! How I ask You Lord to change me into one who follows YOU much better [and more earnestly] than any set of prescribed rules.

Lord, You are so good to hear and answer our prayers. You come into our hearts the instant we invite You in (Revelation 3:20). You give us our hearts’ desire (Matthew 14:28). And when we take our eyes off You, becoming afraid of our surroundings, crying out to You to save us (v. 30) “Immediately” You reach out Your hand to us (v.31).

Thank You Lord that as easy as it is to get caught up in the details of our everyday lives, Your plans for each of us are so much better. Healthier. Freer. And what do You ask of us? That we recognize “The Lord our God is the one and only God” (Mark 12:29) and love Him with ALL our hearts and souls and minds and strength (v. 30).

Thank You Lord. Make THAT the rule I follow! I love You so much. Help me grow in that love. Following You the whole way. Thank You. I love You. Amen.

(330 words ~ 7:11 a.m.)

most connected

Monday, February 7, 2011 (7:13 a.m.)

Blessed God,

Loving Lord. Holy Spirit. I’m planning on working in the yard today. There is MUCH to cut off and prune back. Lord. I love working in the yard. It is often where I feel most connected to You. Many times I practically sense Your presence. My head clears. Revelations seem to manifest out of nowhere. I am truly asking Your presence to be with me today.

There is MUCH to do! Plants (and weeds!) are overgrown. Frostbitten. Misshaped. Left to myself, I wouldn’t even know where to start. But Lord. YOU are the true vine (John 15:1) and Your Father is the Gardener. The two of You working together have been cutting and pruning me and I am so grateful.

Lord God, there is a peacefulness in me this morning that continues to be disrupted by surges of wild and fear ridden thoughts. There’s a negativity that continues trying to take root in my thinking. Thank You that You are here to tend to the garden of my heart, my soul, my mind and my strength. I look to You Dearest Lord. You, the One that produces fruit in those who stay connected to You.

As I go out today, deciding which branches to clip and which ones to keep, I am asking that You would keep me most connected to You. Open Your full lines of communication to me that I will understand completely what it is You have for me this day.

I love You Lord. I love You and I long to do Your will. Thank You for this opportunity to be most connected to You. I love You. Thank You. Amen.

(283 words ~ 8:36 a.m.)

"so loved"

Sunday, February 6, 2011 (7:39 a.m.)

Loving Lord,

You are so good. In fact Lord, I think of how good You are and the words “so loved” come to mind. ‘For You so loved the world that You gave Your one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life’ (John 3:16).

It’s one of those things that we’ve always been taught. We can so easily fall into the trap of just giving the whole concept simple lip service. Ah, but no. We can’t afford to take this truth for granted. This is big, HUGE stuff!

You “so loved” the world! Each and every single one of us in it. But I didn’t want to just stop there. There had to be another verse somewhere. And yes, there is. 1 John 4:11, “Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” Mm, yes Lord. We are to love one another. You say it over and over throughout Your Word.

Dearest, Sweetest Lord how I ask You to continue Your work in me that I would learn to love as You designed us. Freely. Unconditionally. Without reservation.

This is a brand new day. Filled with possibilities. Let me use it wisely Lord. Let it be when we come to the end of it this evening that I will look back on it as a day that I truly “so loved” others.

I love You so very much Dearest Lord. Thank You that this is only possible because You first “so loved” the world. Thank You Lord. I love You. Amen.

(269 words ~ 8:07 a.m.)