letting God be God

Thursday, February 13, 2014 (6:05 a.m.)

Holy Father God,

Thank You. Thank You for the desire to say, “Thank You.” Do I mean it? Not yet. But it's a start. I feel a little off this morning. Overwhelmed by thoughts of all there is to do and doubts that I'll ever get it done.

Then of course there are self reproaches for having let it get like this in the first place. It's all just stuff. Items. Belongings. A symptom of a much deeper problem. To which I come back to thinking in recovery terms. “One day at a time.” “Courage to change.” “It's not all or nothing.”

I remember being grateful yesterday. Filled with positive emotions. Optimistic. Hopeful. Raring to go. Excited about having seen looks of genuine love and caring for others in the eyes of performers. A look that was real, not rehearsed.

~

I took a moment to walk outside. I was again reminded of “All things in moderation. Including moderation.” “Step One - I can't. Two - God can. Three - I'll let Him.” Have I been letting You?

And here come the tears. Not full on. Definitely not falling. Merely forming. But I know they are there. And I'm sure as soon as I confess to You, “No. I have not been letting You be God of my life” that the dam is going to burst!

Father, I get so lost. Wound up in things that do not put You first and foremost in my life. I feel trapped. I read Your Word. Start to hope. Want more. More of Your patience with me. More of Your power. More of You. Less of me. So much less of me!

I asked You yesterday to please get me out of Your way. Is this part of the answer to that prayer? That I become more aware of all the things I hold onto instead of You? YOU are the God of my life! YOU are the joy of my heart.

After reading the Preacher/Teacher's words in Ecclesiastes, I fully agree with his final conclusion that we are to fear You and obey Your commands (12:13). And even here I must confess that I don't. I fear people. Places. Things. I fear decisions. Reactions. Choices. And I obey whatever seems the easiest.

Ah! But this is where You factor in! This is when I get to take that deep cleansing breath and “plead with You to help me, Lord, for You are my Rock of safety. If You refuse to help me I might as well give up and die” (Psalm 28:1).

I get to keep reading. And take hope as I continue praying this psalm right back to You. Verses six and seven, “Oh, praise the Lord, for He has listened to my pleadings! He is my strength, my shield from every danger. I trusted in Him, and He helped me. Joy rises in my heart until I burst out in songs of praise to Him.”

You DO listen to my pleadings! You HAVE helped me when I've trusted You. You ARE my strength. My shield from every danger. So I ask You Father. Order my day. Empower me to use wisely and well the time You have afforded me. There are decisions to make. Actions to take.

Humbly, wholeheartedly, brokenly I ask You Father to do in and through, with and for me all those things I cannot or will not do on my own. I love You and more than anything I am asking that I once again learn [practice, work at] letting go and letting You be the God of my life. One moment at a time. I love You Father. Thank You. Amen.

(622 words ~ 7:22 a.m.)