practicing gratitude

Wednesday, May 7, 2014 (6:53 a.m.)

Blessed Father,

I come before You this morning with the desire of practicing gratitude. I haven't done a very good job of it the last two days. Horrendous pride got in my way.

A mistake was made. Details of a master plan not communicated. Blame assessed and accepted. Apologies given. Yet bitter resentment took on a life of its own.

Forgive me Father. I am the hold out here. Rather than simply let go of my feeling of being shamed, I built a wall of silence on its foundation. So here I sit. Quiet. Alone. I didn't experience mercy and grace from another so I stopped offering it as well.

Not Your best for us. Never Your best.

And here comes another wave of guilt and shame. This time not from another. I confess I knew what I was doing at the time. My feelings were tired and hurt. I didn't want to continue being loving and kind. So I cut all attempts of communication.

And here I sit still physically alone. Only with You reminding me of 1Corinthians 13:4-7. I don't want to think of the mess I made out of not forgiving another their unforgiveness of me.

The war taking place inside of me this very minute is real. The tears attest to the struggle. I know what You would have me do. I also recognize the pride that is keeping me from doing it. I willing gave a foot hold to the devil (Ephesians 4:27).

It doesn't matter how justified I felt at the time, I've now let the sun go down on my anger (v. 26) twice in a row.

As I sit here before You knowing how right You are I thank You for the opportunity to confess my stubbornness. Forgive me Father for I truly have sinned! I find myself in a state of sadness and disrepair. This is not just a wall of silence. There is something far deeper going on.

I seem to have a gunny sack of past slights and hurts I could so easily start slinging. These are things I thought had long been put away. You know, as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12).

Thank You that with each verse I've sought this morning another one comes up as well. Isaiah 43:25 reminds me that it is You who blots out our sins for Your own sake “and will never think of them again.” You are God. I am not. I'm going to keep stumbling!

Thank You that Ephesians 4:26 pointed me over to Psalm 4:4. There's a part of me that wants to jump up and say, “See? I really did do the right thing!” The Voice uses these words to present Your Truth, “Think long; think hard. When you are angry, don't let it carry you into sin. When night comes, in calm be silent.”

I think the key words for me here are “in calm”. There truly are parts of me that are calm in this present situation. But at the very same time I am reminded again and again that You know my heart. You see what is truly going on inside me. No matter how hard I pretend otherwise. You know it all!

Thank You that You do. Thank You that I get to come before You. Practicing.

Because Your Truth is written so perfectly in Your Word, I get to come to it and be reminded that keeping a record of wrongs done to me is not love (1Corinthians 13:5). Neither is being rude, impatient and unkind.

Blessed Father, thank You that You don't love us based on our own merit. Your grace covers us when our [MY] own stupidity seems to reign supreme.

As I prepare to go out into this day, practicing gratitude, protect me from myself. My own worse enemy. I love You Father. Forgive me for behaving badly. Thank You. I love You. Amen.

(665 words ~ 8:56 a.m.)