pure and simple

Thursday, August 7, 2014 (6:42 a.m.)

Holy God,

I look to You. I long for You. I struggle. Rebel. Resist. Refuse. What in Your name is going on with me?

I know I am blessed. Beyond all rationale. Blessed for no other reason than You love me. You love me. Not that I loved You first. Or enough. No. You love me. Pure and simple.

(7:28 a.m.)

Father, I am asking, again, for You to do a work in me.

Something I cannot do for myself. I stumble. Try. Attempt. Fail. I want. Let go. Give up. Come again. I wander. And squander. Yet at the root of it all is the desire to love You as You desire to be loved.

There is a resistance, a rebellion of sorts, going on within me. I start to hope. Breathe deeply. Relax. Then I cut it short. Won't hope. Won't trust. Beware. Not the good sense of being alert to the dangers that may present themselves. No, no. The negative side of not letting my guard down for fear of being disappointed.

Yes. There's the truth. I've once again climbed back inside myself in an attempt to stay safe. Safe and locked away. Not allowing myself to hope is my own futile effort to waylay sadness. Which is actually ridiculous, because then I just find myself existing in a gloominess of my own making.

So. With all that being said. And rooted up. I turn again to You. Trusting. Hoping. Thinking. Asking. YOU have the power. You ARE the Power that can change all things. You know all that is going on in and around me.

You are my source of hope. Your Word offers us all the love and hope we need to proceed in the day to day living allowed us. I think I want more. I'm sure I need answers. Get it all figured out up front and then agree to rejoice.

You don't work that way. You loved me first (1John 4:19) so that I could love others. Purely and simply. I confess, I don't. Not always. I still find myself wanting more. It's my desire to see results. If I'm going to invest myself in someone, I want to experience the payoff. Again, not how You work.

Make me more like You. Weed out all that is causing me doubt. Anger. Bitterness. These are areas I was sure I could fight on my own. Not the case. I need You. I can't resolve to be better. Try more. I can only humble myself and ask You to do in and through, with and for me all that I cannot possibly do myself.

I am officially back to the “I can't. God can. I will let Him.” phase of asking You for help. I trust You. I believe You. I love You. And I want desperately for that to show in my choices of action.

I keep circling back to the unrelenting critical unforgiveness of myself that has so often plagued my being throughout the years. Clearly not Your best for any of us.