again

Thursday, August 21, 2014 (7:27 a.m.)

Most Holy and Loving Father God,

Thank You! Thank You that even though I have long been absent from any kind of formal time with You, I know I am still loved by You. Thank You that Your love for each and everyone of us is not at all based on our own worthiness. Thank You that once again my very essence gives way to song. And again that song sings of hope.

♫On Christ, the Solid Rock, I stand; All other ground is sinking sand, All other ground is sinking sand♫

Father, thank You that here again I get to confess to You the sinking I have been experiencing. Sinking hope. Sinking thoughts. Sinking feelings.

But even there You never left me on my own. In my repeated refusal to turn again to Your Word, yesterday You got my complete attention in an absolutely unexpected other way. A crossword puzzle clue. “Total lack of interest”. Ennui. A word with which I was quite unfamiliar. Oh but it hasn't let me go.

A noun; meaning “a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement”. In this particular case I would insert the word “direction” in the “lack of” category.

As I look at the list given in the thesaurus I find “world-weariness”, followed immediately by “Weltschmerz”. Now we're on to something! I am not the only person to experience being weary of the world's pain. “Man's inhumanity to man” has haunted me for decades as I have tried so unsuccessfully not to be taken down by it.

Father, thank You for the resources You provide us to counter the attacks of the weariness of this world. Every single time I actually take the time to enter into Your Word again, a spark of hope appears. A flicker. Just enough to prompt a smile. A slow nod of the head. A willingness to believe and trust. To take courage. Be of good cheer. Not fear. Have faith.

Your Word packs a wallop Father! Forgive me for forsaking It in my determined refusal to actively participate in my own existence.

I laughed out loud yesterday when I read a “common behavior characteristic” in The Twelve Steps for Christians that describes me perfectly. “I'm just waiting for the right opportunity to become reinvolved in life.”

How's that for not being alone?

Thank You Father that I am NOT alone! You provide our every single need. Whether I accept Your provision is completely up to me. Continue Your work in helping me truly 'come to believe that a Power greater than myself [YOU] can restore me to sanity' (Step Two of Twelve).

I have not been functioning properly. My function has been impaired. Abnormal. Dysfunctional. I have not been living my days as You intend. At this current stage I have been refusing to even ask You what that actually is.

Work in me Father. With me. By me. For me. I am NOT alone in my weariness. You are right here with me. Use it and me to Your good and to Your glory. I love You. I want You. I need You. And I thank You! Amen.

(537 words ~ 10:46 a.m.)