hoping to find

Epiphany Sunday, January 6, 2019 (7:01 a.m.)

Holy God,

Thank You.

(7:39 a.m.)

(7:44 a.m.)

Yes. Thank You! Thank You that I get to keep looking and searching and reading and hoping to find…

Mm, yes. That’s it! I am absolutely hoping to find all it is You have for me. Thank You that I get to explore traditions [ "stories that families write together" (a Hallmark Christmas movie quote) ] 

(8:41 a.m.)

And come back again and again to Your Word.

Most Holy Father God, how I thank and praise You for Your Truth. Your promises. The hope we find in You, and You alone.

Isaiah 5:2. Luke 13:7. John 5:39. Acts 17:27. 2 Corinthians 5:12. And 1 Peter 5:8.

Holy God, how I thank You for the ways Your Word speaks directly to my heart. As You continue Your work in, with, by, through and for me I ask You to lead and guide me straight to the Truth You would have me practice this day.

I love You Father. I need You. I ask You. I trust You. And I thank You. Use me as only You know is best. Amen.

(195 words ~ 9:26 a.m.)

21 DAY FAST

Saturday, January 5, 2018 (7:54 a.m.)

Holy God,

One step forward, three steps back. We start to make progress and then “BAM!” feelings get hurt again.

Avoidance is definitely not a good look on me. Nor does it work out well.

Here I am again confessing withdrawing. Standing off. Not getting too close.

AND… “Hallelujah, Jesus!” ing.

Yes. I’ve stepped back. Again! And in so doing I was able to identify the feeling I’ve been dealing with is blame. Thank You Father.

Thank You for using this 21 DAY FAST to remind me to actually look at what is going on with me.

So here I am. Once again turning to Your Word. Thank You Father. Lead, guide and direct me in Your Truth.

“Finger Pointing Matthew 7:1-5”. There seems to be a lot of that going on around here. “Don’t Condemn Others”. That’s important. Speak to me please.

(10:12 a.m.)

With all the tears I have shed these past several days I find it almost hilarious [if it weren’t so darned sad] that I tend to condemn myself so much more than I do others. Even here Dearest Dad, speak to my heart. Please?

And You do! Thank You Father.

Reading just one section above I take comfort in believing Matthew 6:32b-34, “Your heavenly Father already knows your needs, and He will give you all you need from day to day if you live for Him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”

Thank You Father. The Life Recovery Bible for this section begins with a 12 Step theme. “Living one day at a time is a discipline we all have to focus on when we are in recovery.” I forget these things so often.

Referring to Your mercies beginning fresh every day (Lamentations 3:22-23) this Serenity Prayer Devotional goes on to say, “Since God’s grace comes in daily doses, that’s the best way to face life.” Thank You God.

“We need to ask ourself at every turn in life, Am I accepting this present moment, or am I pretending - trying to escape into the past or the future? Each day there is something to find joy in, and there is strength promised for the troubles of that day. The psalmist wrote, ‘This is the day the LORD has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it’ (Psalm 118:24). We, too, can choose to find joy, strength, and sanity when we accept each day’s realities.”

Oh, hallelujah, thank You Jesus! You have calmed my heart. And my soul. There’s even a smile replacing the tears. Thank You. Your Word is Truth. I am grateful.

Thank You Father. Thank You Son. Thank You Holy Spirit. Guide and direct me to Your good and to Your glory. To living one day of a time. Finding joy, strength and sanity while accepting each day’s realities. Yes please Father. Yes.

Thank You. Use me. I love You. Amen.

(517 words ~ 11:11 a.m.)

"Hallelujah, thank You Jesus!"

Friday, January 4, 2018 (6:30 a.m.)

Blessed, Holy God,

The first complete thought I had this morning led to, “Hallelujah, thank You Jesus!” Thank You, praise You, bless You for the work You have done in me this past week.

Hurt feelings led to a silent withdrawal on my part. Silent withdrawal led to negative thinking. Negative thinking led to an air of discontent…

And at the very same time I was absolutely aware and acutely in need of Your presence. I struggled deeply within myself this entire past week. Until finally, “Hallelujah, thank You Jesus!”

Thank You Father. I knew the struggle would ultimately take me somewhere. I noticed it yesterday when I once again started to dig in my heels and think negative, bitter thoughts. Thank You for stopping me in my tracks.

You reminded me that when initially invited in to a 21 day experience of prayer and fasting I had immediately decided to give up wall building. This was quickly brought to the forefront as I headed out to the back carrying actual stinky trash.

Thanks Dad. What an excellent metaphor!

With a definite reminder from You I remembered to apply a lesson in communication we practiced decades ago. “When [ _____ ] happens, I feel  [ _____ ].” As I filled in those blanks on the way to the trash can, I realized I was feeling disappointed.

I didn’t have to completely close myself off because of a simple disappointment. I was able to choose to busy myself with things that needed attention. The next thing I knew I was absolutely enjoying the day and my surroundings. Thank You Father. Thank You so very much.

Now, about that “Hallelujah, …” moment.

When something happens and I determine how I feel, I can make an action plan. I don’t have to become a victim of circumstances. I can actually use those very circumstances to propel me to the next step.

And I don’t have to stop there. I can share what I learn with others!

Thank You Father. Hallelujah Jesus! Use me as You know is best. Developing my action plan as we go along discovering what positive things to do with potentially negative thinking.

I love You Father and I long to live my life the way You would have me. Lovingly. Kindly… Thank You. Amen.

(388 words ~ 9:28 a.m.)

Good.

Wednesday, January 2, 2019 (6:15 a.m.)

Lake Arrowhead, CA

Holy God,

Good morning. Good New Year. Good.

Mm. Yes. Even here I get to turn in Your Word and learn of what is good. SO many things.

(7:03 a.m.)

And as I search and read and search some more I am once again reminded of my own stubbornness. My refusal to submit and just say, “Whatever you think Dear” (Ephesians 5:22-24, 1 Peter 3:1).

(7:40 a.m.)

As I sit here, convicted by Your Word I am again grateful for Romans 8:28

NO REGRETS! ~ 12/31/18

Monday, December 31, 2018 (8:15 a.m.)

Lake Arrowhead, CA

Last day. Old year. Brat. Witch. Bad behavior. Refusal. Hallmark. Give. Take. Balance. Joy? Peace. Alternative. Change. Courage. Wisdom. Acceptance. Willingness?

(8:27 a.m.)

Okay ~ let’s see… Am I willing Dear God? Willing to accept with grace the things that cannot be changed? Or am I just digging my heels into this mountain of resistance that I myself have created?

I know I am. Forgiveness. Letting go. Willingness…

(8:50 a.m.)

These are the very same words I have fought tooth and nail against these past three days. I have an extremely harsh judgment going on with myself. A genuine battle between right and wrong.

Knowing I am to forgive…

(9:19 a.m.)

And resisting every step of the way.

Holy God, You have so much to teach me. So very much to change in me.

Willingness. That is exactly what I am praying at this moment. A willingness to forgive. Drop the guard around my heart. Release the resistance.

Hmm… there’s some kind of huge metaphor going on here. Body building comes to mind…

(9:32 a.m.)

Resist. Release. Repeat. Teach me Father. I believe I’m on the verge of experiencing one of Your Truths here. There are so many examples in Your Word.

(10:25 a.m.)

Progress not perfection. Practice principles.

(10:36 a.m.)

“A life set free from all addictions is a beautiful sight to behold…” (The Life Recovery Bible devotional for Isaiah 61:1-3).

(11:19 a.m.)

“No regrets” Lord, thank You. You are teaching me to accept things without regretting circumstances.

I have behaved horribly. Withdrawing. Shutting down. Refusing. Resisting. And YOU continue teaching me to let it all go. In love.

“In Christ are healing and freedom, clarity and mercy, beauty and joy” (Our Mission devotional). “To all who mourn in Israel [Zion], He will give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair. For the LORD has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for His own glory” (Isaiah 61:3).

(11:43a.m.)

Three days ago my feelings got hurt. I honestly have no idea what caused the derailment that resulted. I DO know that today I am grateful!

Grateful that I get to bring it all to You.

(11:55 a.m.)

Resistantly at first. And then? Repentantly! (Revelation3:19)

While I struggled, You never left me alone. ♪Oh no, You never let go♪

As I continue scouring Your Word [and hearing Alan Jackson sing Gospel on the Hallmark Channel] my heart is settled. At peace. Calm. Without regret. Thank You Father.

2 Corinthians 7:10, “For God can use sorrow in our lives to help us turn away from sin and seek salvation. We will never regret that kind of sorrow. But sorrow without repentance is the kind that results in death.”

(NOON)

Snow! Unforecasted. Unexpected. Completely out of a clear blue sky. Thank You Father. Thank You.

Use me as unexpectedly as this present snowfall. Gently. Effectively. 

The very last paragraph for “Constructive Sorrow 2 Corinthian 7:8-11” (The Life Recovery Bible) tells us, “The Corinthians’ grief was good, it came from honest self-evaluation, not morbid self-condemnation.”

The pattern of my past is to regret. Rue. Ruminate. Thank You for teaching me the importance of resisting, repenting, releasing and repeating.

Again and again. Seventy times seven (Matthew 18:21-22).

Thank You Father. Praise You. Happy end of another year. Use me well I pray. I love You. Amen.

(603 words ~ 12:43 p.m.)

made in God's image ~ 12/30/18

Sunday, December 30, 2018 (9:13 a.m.)

Lake Arrowhead, CA

Holy Father,

Thank You. You are good. I am made in Your image. Thank You for that reminder.

I was prepared to give You another litany of my failings. All the ways I believe I have let You down. Pridefulness. Self-centeredness. Pure selfishness.

Instead I get to be reminded. I am made in Your image.

showing up ~ 12/29/18

Saturday, December 29, 2018 (8:34 a.m.)
Lake Arrowhead, CA

Holy God,

I’m here. Showing up. I checked out yesterday. There was sadness. Sad news. A misunderstanding. Bitterness. Unforgiveness . And alienation.

Forgive me Father. Forgive my unforgiving spirit. I love You. You have taught me much better than this. I am to be better not bitter.

Thank You that You are our best example of how and who we are to be. Loving. Joyful. Peaceful. Patient. Kind. Good. Faithful. Gentle. And self-controlled (Galatians 5:22-23). I was few of those yesterday. I look to You. Asking, seeking, knocking (Matthew 7:7). Knowing. Believing. Trusting.

I let circumstances color my attitude and behavior. Again I ask, forgive me Father.

(9:43 a.m.)

So here I am, Bible finally in hand. Turning in Your Word to read and learn more about forgiveness. And I have a whole lot of options. Guide and direct my search, Dear Lord.

(10:55 a.m.)

And here we go. Reaping Goodness Galatians 6:7-10. Especially verse 9! “So don’t get tired of doing what is good. Don’t get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time.”

I got tired of doing good. I got discouraged. And I gave up. Now my justification wall is up. Although I know I did NOT have every right to behave so badly, I find myself still clinging to old patterns. “Stinkin’ thinkin’.” Forgive me. Again.

Thank You that I get to come to Your Word. Read. Take counsel. Be blessed.

Verse seven ends with the Truth, “You will always reap what you sow!” Following that principal back to Hosea (10:12) I am reminded, “Plant the good seeds of righteousness, and you will harvest a crop of my love. Plow up the hard ground of your hearts, for now is the time to seek the LORD, that He may come and shower righteousness upon you.”

Yes Father. Please plow up the hard ground of my heart. I can make myself think the right thing. Maybe even do it. But what about feeling it? Oh yeah, feelings aren’t facts. I don’t have to feel it to do it.

That’s where You come in. Changing my heart to make me obedient to Your will. I love You. I long to serve You. And I am still especially stubborn on this.

Somehow or another my feelings [there’s that word again] got hurt and I literally shut down in response to it. Thank You that I get to choose to stay angry, hurt and unforgiving, OR I can show up with You asking that I will forgive and be forgiven.

Yes Father. Do all You must in, with, by, through and for me that I will truly be the woman You have created me to be. Loving. Joyful. Peaceful. Patient. Kind. Good. Faithful. Gentle. And self-controlled.

Thank You Father. I love You. Amen.

(490 words ~ 12:56 p.m.)