grief?

Sunday, June 6, 2010 (6:06 a.m.)

Blessed Lord,

What an honor. What a privilege to come before You

(7:19 a.m.)

and then just leave! I’m doing that a lot these days. So talk to me will You please about all that is going on inside me. I planned to come talk to You about ‘roots’ and Colossians 2:7. As I started in that direction, I got completely distracted by looking up the seven stages of grief to see just where ‘avoidance’ factors in. It’s a coping mechanism.

Hmm. Grief is it? I’m willing Lord! I confess I HAVE been avoiding it. I don’t want to look at it. I don’t want to acknowledge it. Nor do I want to deal with it. So how do we start? How about getting me to the point where I actually believe I’m grieving? Because let’s face it Lord, I’m not even there yet.

Does that really put me still stuck in the first stage of shock? Or could this be like the daughter ordained it? Denial! I’m still not seeing it Lord. I know my mom died almost three months ago. I’m not denying it. I’m just not feeling it either. I’m avoiding it.

So? What would YOU have me do with it? I can’t speak for You. But You keep filling my spirit with hope here. Every verse I’ve turned to so far this morning has left me smiling. Lord, I DON’T understand this process! I’m NOT proceeding as I initially thought I would. I don’t seem to be following any set pattern other than winding my way back to You each time I try to branch off on my own.

Lord, I love You. I am extremely grateful to You for the lessons of love You keep placing before us. You are so good. So gentle. So kind. Thank You for providing me with the strength to take another tiny little baby step toward wholeness. None of the progress that we have made thus far could ever have been possible without You. You are wonderful. And I am grateful.

So I’m asking You into my grief here Lord. I don’t know what it looks like. I’m not even sure what it’s supposed to look like. But I DO know I can trust You with it. I don’t want to continue avoiding things. YOU are the basis of my faith! YOU are worthy of all my faith, hope and love. WHATEVER it is that You would have me feel, be, think and do today Dearest Lord, make it so.

I love You so very much. Thank You Lord. Amen.

(438 words ~ 8:14 a.m.)