repentance

Saturday, August 8, 2009 (6:35 a.m.)

Most Holy God,

I fell short again yesterday. I once again tried desperately to make sense out of insanity. When will I learn Lord that instead of choosing anger, harsh tones and my own feeble attempts at setting something straight to go directly to You instead?

Blessed Lord, I confess to continually calling out Your name. Father, forgive the irritation in my voice as I repeatedly said, “Oh my God” out loud and occasionally thought “Oh my f---ing God” to myself.

Where was that “peace that passes understanding” Philippians 4:7 speaks of? DEFINITELY not “down in my heart” where the praise song reminds me it’s supposed to be.

Lord, forgive me. I reacted badly. Horribly. Despicably. I didn’t think first to pray. No part of me remembered to “Come, let us worship and bow down, let us kneel before the Lord, our God, our God, our Maker. For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture, and the sheep of His hand, just the sheep of His hand.” (Psalm 95:6)

Nope. Not me. I didn’t even try to find a Bible verse in the recesses of my mind. All I could remember in the moment was to not say anything cruel. My demeanor was wild and unruly. I felt cut to the very core and wanted justice and repentance. There were pieces of me that went back to the days of old and began plotting revenge.

Beloved Lord, ugliness is just below my surface. Oh, but You are such a good and loving Lord! Father, thank You that I have Your Word with which to surround myself this morning. Here in my own little corner of this room I feel safe, buoyed, nurtured, nourished, loved, forgiven.

You’ve provided me with James’ words regarding the tongue this morning, “but no human being can tame the tongue. It is always ready to pour out its deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our heavenly Father, and sometimes it breaks out into curses against men who are made like God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Dear Brothers, surely this is not right! Does a spring bubble out first with fresh water and then with bitter water?” (James 3:8-11)

Blessed Lord, the commentary here offers this about yielding our tongue to Your control, “Even when we feel powerless to control our destructive words, God can still tame our tongue. As He transforms us from the inside out, the words we speak will soon begin to reflect the changes. God will then be able to use our words to heal our relationships and encourage others.” Oh to this I add, “Yes Lord, Yes! To Your will and to Your way Yes, Lord yes, I will trust You and obey When Your Spirit speaks to me, with my whole heart I’ll agree And my answer will be yes, Lord, yes!”

Oh Dearest Beloved God, You are the One and Only upon whom I can depend and trust. Keep working in me Lord. I confess to having expected this walk with You to become easier with practice. So far, that doesn’t seem to be the case. Richer, fuller, yes! But definitely not easier.

As I sit here, knowing that it’s time to go off into the day, Father how I ask You to go before me preparing the way. I’m safe here with You. It’s scary not knowing what could pop up to blind side me today. I trust You to know what is best and to do what is necessary to make me conform to Your will for me.

Thank You God for King David’s words to You in Psalm 51:16,17 “You would not be pleased with sacrifices, or I would bring them. If I brought You a burnt offering, You would not accept it. The sacrifice You want is a broken spirit. A broken and repentant heart, O God, You will not despise.” That You have Oh Lord! My broken and repentant heart!

Reading under the title “Healing the Brokenness” for these verses, I leave with this truth, “God isn’t looking for evidence of how good we are or how hard we try. He only wants us to mourn over our brokenness. Then He will not ignore our needs, but will forgive us, comfort us, and cleanse us.” From this page to Your ears Most Holy God I pray!

I love You so much Dear Lord. It is to You I offer my repentance! Amen.

(756 words ~ 8:03 a.m.)