deferred, delayed, denied

Thursday, September 12, 2019 (5:30 a.m.)

Holy God,

Thank You. I love You. Guide me please.

(7:11 a.m.)

And guide me You did.

Straight back to bed. Questioning if the nausea is “real”? Or being formulated in my mind?

Holy, Blessed God, how I thank You for whatever is going on with my body. I confess to not having a clue. And wanting desperately to know. “Is it real? Or is it memorex?”

But maybe I’m not supposed to know yet. Maybe I’m really supposed to keep practicing hope. Even [especially?] when it is currently being deferred. Delayed. Possibly even denied.

Holiest God, I am confessing to not knowing what I think I know. And in the very middle of that often pretending to be okay when I am not.

Right this very moment I do not feel well. And there is great freedom in telling You that. Because being this honest with You allows all the false things to disappear.

I could continue acting as if. Instead I’m thrilled and excited to ask You for more Truth.

Father, do as You know is best. Continue guiding me deeper into Your Word. I’m currently reading Proverbs 13:12. Genesis 37:28; 39:20; 40:23. Psalm 98. And 2 Peter 3:11.

In the midst of reading and resting I remember the butterfly that surprised me in the pool yesterday. And the shadow of a hovering hummingbird shortly after. Just the memories have me wanting to sing You a new song (Psalm 98:1).

I absolutely do not know what today holds. I am trusting that You will work it all together for Your good (Romans 8:28)!

Thank You Father that at this very moment I do not feel well. Yes. Thank You that You know what is going on. And that You will let me know when Your time is right.

I love You. I trust You. And in the meantime, I’ll practice hoping. In You. Thank You Father. I love You. Amen.

(339 words ~ 7:41 a.m.)