tears

Sunday, November 14, 2010 (7:16 a.m.)

Thank You Lord!

Thank You that You not only have my back, You have my front, my sides, my heart, my soul, my mind and all of my strength! Thank You Lord that You truly have all of me.

Blessed Lord, how great it is to not be okay and to be able to come before You exactly as I am. Thank You Lord! Thank You that tears have been flowing freely since the grocery store yesterday. Thank You that I have no intent of trying to stop them. Thank You that the emotions I am feeling are raw. Uncensored. Not even harshly judged. [I was going to say ‘not judged’, but I realized that I HAVE judged them and found them to be completely appropriate J]

Thank You God! Thank You that eight months to the very last Saturday I spent with my mom was the day I finally broke. Thank You that it was something as unexpected as just seeing the produce man who was always so kind to my mom that would cause me to practically run out of the store in tears.

Thank You God that I’ve known I haven’t been okay for quite awhile now and couldn’t figure out why. Thank You that just by being honest, open and willing with You, You took perfect care of me! My mom died eight months ago today. I made her recipe for enchiladas for the very first time without her yesterday and tears were appropriate. Feeling this sad is appropriate!

To FINALLY miss my mom this much is truly a gift from You most blessed Lord. Thank You. In You, I am safe to cry. Yesterday I was present. In the moment. Feeling what I was feeling. Not afraid of making anyone else sad. Not wanting to fix anything for anybody else [well, expect the enchiladas for my brother J]

I’ve had a lot of smiles already today Lord. Starting way back at 6:00 a.m. I was somewhat disappointed with the rather generic view of the sunrise from our front room window, only to be completely OMG’d [my EXACT words at the time] by the spectacular view from the kitchen. God’s Astonishingly Superior Plan at its best!

You are good Lord! And I am completely safe in Your loving hands. Songs have been singing to me since before fully awakening. ♫Beloved, let us love one another…♫ ♫I’m on the outside looking in♫ ♫All of me, why not take all of me♫ Lord God how I thank You for allowing me to not pretend to be anything but what I am. Your precious child, who happened to take eight months to finally shed the tears that desperately cry out, “I miss my mommy!”

I love You Lord! Thank You for letting me be exactly who and what I am. Yours. Absolutely, completely, 100% Yours! Tears and all. I love You. Thank You. Amen.

(491 words ~ 8:22 a.m.)