reminiscences

Friday, July 23, 2010 (6:30 a.m.)

♫Hallelujah Jesus♫!

[Which is a far cry from ♫The Midnight Train to Georgia♫ from just a few hours ago] Lord, THANK YOU for reminding me that even when there’s a houseful of sleeping people and the computer is either too noisy or otherwise unavailable to me that I still have a pad and pencil [much like I first started praying my heart out to You all those years ago ~ let’s see ~ how does one spell DUH! ? J]

Thank You Lord! Thank You that it is safe for me to reminisce. Thank You that missing parents on their birthdays would ultimately be considered a good thing; translating to them both having been “so loved”. And with good reason to be well thought of.

Lord God, I’ve felt so afraid these past several days: afraid of not feeling well, afraid that its root is more in my head than anywhere else, afraid I’m doing something wrong, afraid that someone’s going to think I’m goldbricking. Lord, THANK YOU that You tell us again and again in Your Word to “Fear not!” and “Do not be afraid”. Those are the words I long to heed Dearest Lord! How I thank You for a return to eagerness and a renewed sense of truly being agog with You!

Keep speaking to me I pray, Dear Lord. Continue guiding and directing me to what You’d have me know and do this day. I love You so very much Dearest God.

There is still so much of Mom’s estate that I have refused to deal with. What am I most afraid of there? Is it really that I don’t want to make a mistake, like I’ve thought all this time? Or is it more that taking care of it all will make me have to face the fact that she and Daddy really, truly are gone? Have I come to any of those terms yet? Or am I just stuck here in the avoidance of it all?

Interesting questions. Ones I haven’t considered before now. It’s hard to think of the loss Lord. Refusing to remember isn’t helpful. I must go on. I have to face full on the responsibility to which I agreed. Not knowing how hard it was going to be is not an excuse. So I bring it all to You Dear Lord. The fears, the “I don’t feel good”s, the memories, the future… I look to You AS the Future! The Past! The Present! YOU will not leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). My future is secure in You. I am safe. You are here. I am Yours (John 17) and I am grateful. Thank You Lord. I love You. Amen.

(457 words ~ 4:59 p.m.)