"willing to obey" ~ 3/25/18

Palm Sunday, March 25 2018 (6:30 a.m.)

Port of Honolulu, Hawaii

Awesome, Holy, Loving God,

Here I am. None of those three. Yep. Looking up the antonyms, I find “unimpressive, sinful, cold and cruel”. Yep. Me to a tee.

I’m not even willing to ask You to forgive me yet. I’m still bound and determined to nurse this present grudge from over 14 hours ago.

I knew as soon as I started it that forgiveness was a choice. Love, also a choice. And I determinedly stuck my heels in as I decided, “No!” Not just no, though. “Absolutely no.” No way. No how. Not gonna do it. Uh-uh. No.

I even considered You. Your Son. This being Palm Sunday and all. Still not willing.

So… here I am. Asking for You to do in and with, by, through and for me all those things I cannot [or WILL not?] do for myself. Soften my heart (Psalm 51:10).

It’s almost as though I am playing some ridiculous game of chance that I know I will only lose. There is absolutely no way of me coming out ahead on this.

I search Your Word. I read Your warnings. I am fully aware of the snares of unforgiveness. And do I “choose life” (Deuteronomy 30:19)? Absolutely not.

The computer screen says, “10:10”. That’s our time back home. Three time zones away.

I was prepared to completely disregard it until I remembered its importance. Recorded by the apostle John, Jesus told his disciples, “The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give life in all its fullness.”

My deeply seated stubbornness will enable the thief to win. I can’t fight him off on my own. I can continue my plotting and planning to show another how disappointed and hurt I was because of his own choice. Or I can choose to ask You again to do for me that which I am currently unable…

Psalm 51:12, “Restore to me again the joy of Your salvation, and make me willing to obey You.”

Yes. Willing to obey You. That is my wholehearted plea.

I can’t do it on my own. You can. Do all You must in changing, cleaning, softening my heart that I would be willing to obey You and forgive another.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned…” I’ve held this resentment and bitterness in my heart all these long, many hours. I release it to You. To do with exactly as You wish. I love You. I long to serve You. I need You. I want You. I choose to trust You to do as You know is best.

Do all You must I pray. Thank You. I love You. Amen.

(461 words ~ 7:29 a.m.)