ridiculous

Monday, April 25, 2011 (7:24 a.m.)

Beloved Lord,

I am behaving ridiculously. Pouting. Sullen. My feelings got hurt and I’m not willing to let it go without an apology. This is in NO way good behavior on my part. I am not honoring You. There is bitterness and resentment and all kinds of justifications brewing. And here I sit. Believing one thing (I must forgive), yet doing another (holding a grudge).

Work in me here Lord. I am told in Your Word (Philippians 4:13) that ‘I can do all things through YOU who gives me strength’. Soften my heart. Make me willing to drop my guard. Ridiculous doesn’t look good on me. It’s not my strong suit. It goes against everything You suffered and died for.

You offered forgiveness to those who crucified You. And I’m waging war because I didn’t like a tone of voice. Ridiculous, Lord! Forgive me I pray.

I could choose to just let the whole thing go. I could offer up a good heaping dose of mercy and grace. I could take another stab at turning the other cheek. I could. But I haven’t.

For more than fourteen hours I have nursed this grudge. I’ve ever so quietly called names. I’ve built up my case in my mind. And through it all I’ve waited for the object of my scorn to notice. To care. This is NOT Your best for me! I know this.

I sit here Lord. With Your Word in my hands. I read. I believe. And I attempt. And then recoil.

I begin to pray. The Serenity Prayer has merit. Even The Lord’s Prayer. But I don’t want to do anything so casually. So rote. Instead? I pout. I sulk. I continue to hold on to gunk that does not glorify You in any way, shape, or form.

The best I can do right now is to confess to You, using the words of the prodigal son in Luke 15:21. “Father, I have sinned against heaven and You, and am not worthy of being called Your son [in this case daughter].”

I waged a war I stood no chance of winning. Using ridiculous earthly weapons of silence, passive aggression, self-righteousness and justifications.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned! Rather than ask You to make me an instrument of Your peace, I set out intentionally to sow hatred instead of love. I offered injury rather than pardon. Darkness, not light. Sadness, not joy.

Continuing with this prayer from St. Francis of Assisi I ever so humbly ask You “Oh Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love. For it is in giving that we receive. It is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.”

Forgive me Lord that I didn’t come straight to You with all of this last night as soon as I recognized what was going on. Thank You for Your willingness to wait me out and to love me anyway!

The Life Recovery Bible commentary of Luke 15:20-24 says “The father’s great compassion for his younger son portrays God’s response to anyone who repents. Like the father in this story, God waits for the addict or sinner to come to his senses and return of his own volition.”

Here I am, Dad! SO tired of being ridiculous! Thank You that You are willing to love me no matter how ridiculous I may behave.

One last quote about this section of Scripture is from a devotion entitled Restoration. “The fact that we are able to recognize our life as degenerate or insane proves that there is hope for a better life. We are reminded of a time when life was good, and we long to have it restored. When we turn in the direction of God who is more powerful, who represents the memory of something better, we will find the Power who can restore us to sanity.”

Thank You Lord. I forgot. I slipped. I fell. I dug myself into a much deeper hole than necessary. And You were ever willing to help me up – JUST like You did Peter when he took his eyes off of You while walking on the water (Matthew 14:31). Paraphrasing this verse only to fit this occasion, I read it as such “O girl of little faith, why were you so ridiculous?”

Thank You Lord that even in this, You rescued me first and then asked the question. Thank You Lord. Now can we go play together?

There’s much to be done around here today. And I won’t be able to accomplish a single thing without You. I love You so very much and I am ever so grateful that Your forgiveness for me is SO much greater than mine for others. Thank You Lord. I love You. Amen.

(828 words ~ 9:09 a.m.)