Ah, but God...

Monday, December 27, 2010 (11:36 a.m.)

2000 Court Ave. Yellow House

Newport Beach, CA

Most Loving Lord,

I love You! You’ve got my back [and my front J], my insides, my outsides, my bottom, my top. In You I am safe and secure. And I thank You.

Tears are falling on my glasses and those that are not being shed, I know are softening and nourishing my soul.

Lord, I love You. That’s what it all comes down to today. It’s been almost a week. I’ve held up pretty well. It’s officially the third day of Christmas and we change locations tomorrow. All of this adds up to packing and memories and losses and choices and the sun sparkling on the ocean and my foundational decision to trust You with it all.

Choking back tears several hours ago, finally gave way to deep heaving sobs and the reality that I don’t want to go back. Thank You Lord for reminding me that You would not have me go back, but forward. Ever forward with You. Thank You Lord.

Thank You that with You I have the courage and the strength to face sadness. I can be as emotional as I need to be without there being something arrantly wrong with me. And it all keeps coming back to, “I love You”.

I watch stand up paddlers surfing the breakers and I grin from ear to ear while laughing out loud. I think of going inside to delicately pack up our most treasured Christmas decorations and begin again to feel the reemergence of sadness. And this is where I take another deep breath and remember Your very kind reminder to me much earlier on our walk together at the ocean’s edge. “Ah, but God…”

Thank You Lord for reminding me that every single thing I can’t do on my own, You are ever near to help me with it. I don’t want to pack up to go back? Ah, but God reminds me I’m going home or forward, or just leaving one place for another.

I don’t want to be overcome with emotion. Ah, but God is here to do in and for me that which I cannot do for myself. Never will You leave me nor forsake me. I HAVE to leave this current setting. In two days I won’t be waking up with a view of the Pacific Ocean right outside me window. Ah, but God not only will You go with me wherever I am going, You will go in me and before me.

Praying a favorite benediction of Michael Fischer’s I found on the Internet just now I ask You Lord to ever bless this family with Your truth and love. Wherever it is that we go may we be ever aware of Your presence there with us. Let the truth of these words sink into our hearts, souls, minds and bodies nourishing and nurturing us every step of our way.

“As you go on your way may Christ go with you. May He go before you to show you the way; May He go behind you to encourage you; Beside you to befriend you; Above you to watch over you; Within you to give you peace.”

Ah, but God You are so good to us. Thank You. I love You. Amen.

(556 words ~ 12:24 p.m.)