the struggle within

Saturday, October 2, 2010 (7:21 a.m.)

Most Holy God,

Thank You! Thank You that once again I got to struggle with myself to the break through point. Knowing that I had a choice between life [forgiveness] and death [grudge holding] (Deuteronomy 30:19) I chose the latter. Repeatedly!

Forgive me Lord. I was very well aware that I was playing around with anger. I didn’t have to. I could have let it go. But I kept going back over to it. Poking at it. Nursing it until it fully began taking on a life of its own. And by then I was back to a very old pattern of thinking I could quit any time I wanted.

It took almost two weeks for me to finally work my way over to Paul’s letter to the Romans and remember once again what good company I am in. Here I find that I am NOT the only person to ever know what it is I am to do [FORGIVE, in this particular case] and not do it (Romans 7:19a). As well as knowing that I am to ‘try not to do wrong’ [take things personally and speak ill of others] and ‘do it anyway’ (19b).

Lord, there is freedom and power in Your Word! When I am stubborn and stiff-necked I am ultimately choosing death. Thank You that You came to give us life. “So you see how it is: my new life tells me to do right, but the old nature that is still inside me loves to sin. Oh what a terrible predicament I’m in! Who will free me from my slavery to this deadly lower nature? Thank God! It has been done by Jesus Christ our Lord. He has set me free.” (23-25)

Blessed Lord, last night was the first time that I ever looked at this type of behavior as an addiction. Knowing that I shouldn’t do something and doing it anyway? That’s pretty powerless! Spinning myself into near crazy making because I don’t have the power and strength in and of myself to just let something [an ill chosen comment] go instead of building a fortress of self-righteous indignation? That’s not a healthy attitude!

Focusing on the negative. Magnifying it to make myself look more like a victim of circumstance is just plain taxing! It takes a lot of energy to be that mean and spiteful. Thank You Lord for showing me that this truly IS a form of unhealthy addiction. There are many areas where I stand the chance of sinking right back into old putrid behaviors. Thank You that You came to save me from myself! Thank You that You will continue Your work in me until I actually get to see You face to face. Thank You that I am NOT alone in my struggle within. You are here with me. Constantly calling me to a better way. YOUR Way, Your Truth, Your life (John 14:6).

Because of You dearest Lord I am not alone in my diseased soul. You will only forgive me to the extent that I forgive others (Matthew 6:12). Thank You for working in me through this extremely tough lesson. I feel exhausted, as well as exhilarated! Truly agog with another glimpse of Your grace! Thank You Lord. I love You! Amen.

(553 words ~ 9:18 a.m.)