Finally!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009 (1:13 p.m.)

My Love, My Father, My All-And-All,

I’m not feeling okay. Something’s not quite right with me and I keep trying to figure it out. Lord, I keep thinking You’re trying to tell me something and I’m not getting it. I’ve tried busying myself away from it. I’ve even tried talking to other people about it. Finally, here I am with You, asking Lord, what do You want me to know?

There was a recent death of another father figure from my childhood neighborhood and I don’t understand why I’m reacting to it as I am…

Thursday, November 12, 2009 (5:32 a.m.)

Lord, thank You that I get to come before You not only with praises and thanksgiving, but also with questions and unsettlement. Thank You Lord that even though I still don’t know why I’m having such an emotional reaction to this particular death, I’m comforted by Your availability.

Lord, I love You. I feel shaky and small and extremely judgmental of myself. And instead of continuing to try to figure this all out Lord, I’m looking to You. I’m coming before You without understanding. I don’t know why I feel as I do. And I even confess to feeling a little afraid to find out. Is there something deep inside that is way bigger than meets my eye? I don’t know what’s going on with me. But I’m very sure that I’m willing to go to almost any length in trying to avoid it.

So here I am asking Lord. Do what You want with me. Work in and with me in ways that I do not understand. ♫Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way! Thou art the Potter, I am the clay (Isaiah 64:8). Mold me and make me after Thy will, While I am waiting, yielded and still.♫

I look to You Dear Lord. I don’t understand. I hurt. I feel bad. And little. But I’m willing. I’m willing to wait. To struggle. To doubt. To fear. To avoid. Until finally I’m ready to risk and trust and run into You. Yeah, I like that better! Let me run into You with this Lord. Finally! Let me run into You!

I love You Lord. Amen.

(372 words ~ 9:40 a.m.)