risk... my "Safe Place"

Saturday, April 18, 2020 (6:34 a.m.)

Blessed God,

I’m starting with, “Thank You.” Yes Father. Thank You for the clue. Thank You for the insight as to what took place yesterday.

Holy God, it took me over 15 hours of moping and sulking to realize why I hadn’t experienced this depth of upset in such a long time. It all seems so simple. And pointless really.

Here’s the general recap. I was eagerly anticipating one thing, only to feel rebuffed. Which immediately led to my feeling disappointed. Uninteresting. Embarrassed.

“Stupid” was the word I used. Only to be asked, “Why?” Which in turn infuriated me. And that’s when I began cementing the walls. I wasn’t about to risk getting my feelings hurt again.

Over fifteen hours of attempting to play it safe. Of forgetting and refusing to turn to You. I became staid. Quiet. Serious. Stiff. Which led to feeling resentment and vengeful.

These are not from You. And it’s been so long since I’d stewed like this.

Thank You for allowing me to trace these feelings back to where the sulking began. And finally to the “Aha!” that reminded me of my having given up sulking over six weeks ago for Lent.

In feeling justified and “right” in my behavior, I pushed all thoughts of You aside. Forgive me Father.

Your Word tells us to “Be careful! Watch out for attacks from the devil, your great enemy. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8). I did NOT heed Your warning Lord.

Illustrated Bible Handbook says, “Be Alert; 5:8,9. Believers are to remain alert, for satan is always eager to make us his prey. We resist by taking a firm stand on ‘the faith’; in this context, the Truth is that we can trust God despite the sufferings which Christians throughout the world undergo.”

Here again, I did not!

Yet You did not leave me alone in my sullenness. Thank You Lord.

Thank You that we always have the choice of turning to You, “…the One who corrects and disciplines everyone [You] love” (Revelation 3:19a). Jesus how I truly thank You for reminding me to “… repent and be eager to pursue what is right”(19b).

Continuing in the hopefulness of Your Word. Verse 20, “Behold, I’m standing at the door, knocking. If your heart is open to hear my voice and you open the door within, I will come in to you and feast with you, and you will feast with me.”

I confess to continuing to waver. Hearing Your knock. Peering out. Knowing, trusting believing You to be True to Your Word. And then slamming the door shut in Your face.

“Nope. I refuse what You are offering.”  Forgive me. Change my heart.

Mm… Look at this from The Life Recovery Bible. A devotional titled “Love” referencing Revelation 3:14-22. “Jesus is waiting for us to open our heart and receive His love… Love is waiting. We receive it when we open up to the love God offers us.”

Again I confess, I keep going back and forth between my “Yes!” and the accompanying, “But what about…?”

Once more I say, “Forgive me Father.” Forgive my shortsighted selfishness. Continue Your work in me.

And over to Psalm 62 I go. The Passion Translation. “Unshakable Faith… I stand silently to listen for the One I love, waiting as long as it takes for the Lord to rescue me [from myself!]. For God alone has become my Savior. He alone is my safe place; His wrap-around presence always protects me. For He is my champion defender; there’s no risk of failure with God. So why would I let worry [in this case, of embarrassment] paralyze me, even when troubles multiply around me?”

So with all this, “Wah, wah, wah… Oh woe is me” attitude I have poured out to You here Lord, I am truly asking, seeking, and knocking for Your forgiveness. Guidance. Empowerment in changing my heart. Let me drop the barriers that keep showing up around my heart.

I love You. I repent! I choose Your will. Your way. Your love. All the things I can’t manufacture on my own.

Do all You must to squash the bitterness that continues trying to come back in to play. Put my focus on Your goodness. Your grace. Your mercy. All the things I don’t deserve but You want to give me anyway. Make me grateful. And receptive Lord.

Truly I love You. Forgive me I pray. Amen.

(759 words ~ 9:11 a.m.)