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Tuesday, May 22, 2018 (3:51 a.m.)

Blessed Holy God,

Thank You. Forgive me. And thank You.

You spoke to me last night and I ignored Your nudgings. It’s taken me many hours to get to “Aha! I know what that was all about.”

Where I willfully disobeyed You was in not forgiving immediately. I knew You were calling me to put away my childish ways (1 Corinthians 13:11). I didn’t realize at the time just how childish they really were.

Blessed God, I’m having my own little “Hallelujah” moment here. My feelings got hurt again last night. Rather than doing anything positive to rectify them I withdrew. Into a hurt, hard, angry shell.

I went so far as attempting to mentally justify that anger. I had a list right in front of me of all the things I had accomplished during the day. Why was I being singled out for the one thing I hadn’t taken care of?

And there is where I stayed. Hashing and rehashing why it was okay for me to not accomplish this one task.

In my own bitter and resentful way I tried repeatedly to get my point across. I held onto the hurt while trying to prove I had done a good enough job for the day. I fell asleep holding on to my right to be angry.

Mm, good enough. Tried my best. But had I really?

You were calling me to put down my hurt feelings. And I refused. Thank You for not leaving me alone in them.

Awake at 3:32. Waiting to see the clock with three threes, I immediately started rebuilding my case for bitterness. After all, I had done my best. Tried my hardest. Or had I?

It took less than four minutes for me to fully realize I was still reacting to a hurt from more than fifty years ago. “An A-? Why wasn’t it an A?” The tears stinging my eyes, oh and now falling, make me fully aware of just how deep this slight still pains me.

Thank You Father. Thank You that I get to choose forgiveness. Thank You that You love me even when I refuse to immediately obey You.

Thank You that You do not give up on us.

(5:35 a.m.)

Mm, yes. Thank You.

There is a slight smile on my face. And absolute peace in my heart.

I get to read Your Word. An e-article titled “Obeying God” from InTouch Ministries leads me to Hebrews (5:7-8; 11:8). Joshua (1:7-9). Psalms (32:8; 62:1-2, 5; 119:105). John (4:34; 6:38; 8:28-29). Romans (10:9). 2 Corinthians (6:2). Philippians (4:19). And corresponding comments in The Life Recovery Bible.

Your Truth is not falling on deaf ears here. Thank You Father.

With all the examples of obedience to You cited in these verses, my head nods in agreement. This morning I am in a place that I can not only agree with Your call to obedience, but accept it as well. Thank You for Your work on me here.

InTouch Ministries affirms my thinking by asking challenging questions. ‘What types of situations have I found it most difficult to obey You?’ When I am feeling prideful. Believing that I have every right to feel as I do.

‘Can I think of a time when the Lord’s instructions were made very clear to me?’ Oh my goodness yes! ‘Did I respond in faithful obedience to You?’ More often than not, no.

‘How have You taught me to trust that Your plans are best for my life?’ By never leaving nor forsaking me (Deuteronomy 31:6).

And herein lies the crux of this entire situation. I had a choice last night. I could trust and obey You. Forgive and show love. Or not.

“If we don’t trust the Lord, we won’t obey Him.” Well there You have it! “Anytime we’re tempted to disobey in a particular area, that’s the point at which we don’t trust Him” (Obeying God). Forgive me Father.

In my immaturity (1 Corinthians 13:11) I momentarily believed my decision to obey You to be optional. It never is okay to sin in my anger (Ephesians 4:26).

Thank You that You keep speaking to us Father. Even when we behave as willful [won’t full] children!

Thank You that as early as 3:36 in the morning I can have such an AGOG moment that I can’t wait to come pour my heart out to You.

Thank You that “if we have an obedient spirit, we’ll recognize our heavenly Father’s discipline as a loving act of protection and respond with gratitude” (Obeying God).

Thank You that I get to know You as the loving, protective Father that You are. Use me exactly as You wish this day.

I love You. I long to serve You. And I thank You Father. Amen.

(827 words ~ 6:33 a.m.)