tears / fears / hears

Wednesday, November 2, 2011 (8:26 a.m.)

Blessed Lord Jesus,

We’re home. And it’s windy. REALLY windy! All the things I thought I might do today hinge on what I’m not sure. Readjusting maybe?

You provided us a beautifully safe trip. Filled with friends and fun, love and laughter. Thank You Jesus. I practiced saying that this weekend. That is, when I could speak.

I was caught off guard at how freely and readily tears flowed. From the beginning of the very first hymn on Sunday morning, to the climbing aboard a hayride Halloween afternoon, it seemed my first reaction to most things was tears. Tears brought on by joy. A sense of fulfillment. Excitement. Deeply repressed memories. Unexpected beauty.

Sunday, November 6, 2011 (6:30 a.m.)

Our clocks ‘fell back’ this morning, which means I have an extra hour today. Thank You Jesus. I haven’t used the time You’ve so generously given me this past week as wisely as I’d like. I’ve sat around. Watched way too much T.V. Thought about things that make me feel sad. Wished and waited and wondered. But mostly, I’ve avoided. You.

Why is that Lord? It reminds me of that silly little game I used to play with the gas gauge on the car. How close to empty can I get, without running out? That’s EXACTLY what it’s like Lord! How close to being empty [of YOU] can I get, without running out! But, why? Why would I even want to consider playing such a thing?

Here You are. Lord. Savior. Christ. Jesus. And I just want to keep running right passed You like You aren’t even here? Why? How could that possibly make sense to anyone? Will You talk to me about this Jesus?

We have plants that I sometimes do the same thing to. I watch the water level go down further and further. JUST before it’s too late for them, I give them the drink they so desperately need to survive. What’s that all about?

Thank You Jesus that I get to come to You with such honest questions. These are two examples that I have been aware of for years and always kept to myself, believing that there must be something seriously wrong with me for playing with such ridiculousness. Thank You for allowing me to bring even this nonsense before You.

Jesus, thank You for gently guiding me back here with You. I look around me at all the stuff that keeps me distracted. I’ve wobbled back and forth between caring and not caring about most things these past few days. Thoughts and concerns hidden behind make shift prayers on the fly. Thank You for both the time and the desire to sit here with You, and listen.

You love me. That matters! In the giant scheme of things that matter and those that don’t, You loving me matters! Thank You that I know that. Thank You that while the tears of joy I shed one day too often turn to fears of the unknown the next, when I finally come to my senses and sit down with You I am reminded of how lukewarm I have again become.

Thank You Jesus that You are such The Gentleman! You don’t force. You don’t just barge in unannounced. No. “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him and he with Me” (Revelation 3:20). Thank You Jesus that Your love for us is not contingent on our behavior, attitude or willingness. You love us because You are God and God is love (1John 4:8). Thank You for Your patience with me. As well as Your kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness (Galatians 5:22-23).

You are good Lord and I am grateful. Thank You for Who and What and ALL You are. I love You Jesus. I have some plants to water. Amen.

(645 words ~ 7:53 a.m.)