harsh

Saturday, July 2, 2011 (7:23 a.m.)

Most Dear and Loving Lord,

I love You. You are good. Holy. Loving. Kind. Lately I have been harsh. ‘Unpleasantly rough or jarring to the senses; cruel; severe; grim; unpalatable; having an undesirably strong effect’. Yes Lord. These words quite sadly describe to a t the me of the past few days.

Truly Lord I thought if I just gave it time, the bad mood would lift. Think of other things. Give in and just ride it out. Confess it to others. None of that has worked. And avoiding You because of it? Worst mistake of all. Looking back at it I realize that this is all so similar to my having been feeling out of sorts just last week. The thing that makes all this seem even more sad is that I was coming before You to complain about the harshness I have perceived coming from others.

You never cease to amaze me Lord! EVERY single time I humble and confess myself to You, You change the thought process. Planning to paint myself as a victim here? No. You turned it around on me so I could see my own harsh actions and words. Looking up verses that pertain to what I am experiencing and the very next thing I am singing ♫Here I am to worship Here I am to bow down Here I am to say that You’re my God You’re altogether lovely All together worthy, All together wonderful to me♫

I can honestly tell You Lord, I feel as though I am being beaten to a pulp. Tiny little miscommunications are sending me over cliffs. I crash. I burn. I under utilize and then over react. I need help Lord. Help that can only come from You.

There is an anger and a bitterness that comes and goes inside of me. It rises. Then falls. Too often I think it is gone completely, until again I realize it’s only been hiding. Waiting to pounce. satan? demonic? Spiritual attack at its worse? I don’t know.

What I DO know is that I love You. I call upon Your mighty name for help. Help, which can come from no other place than You, Yourself. ♫Light of the world You stepped down into darkness. Opened my eyes, let me see. Beauty that made this heart adore You Hope of a life spent with You♫

(10:54 a.m.)

It’s not changing Lord. Tiny, little bitty things are threatening to send me right over the edge. A look. A comment. A smirk. A laugh. Everything seems to be joining together to manifest a harsh reaction from me. I truly am looking for Your joy. With what right now seem to be harsh colored glasses!

So back to You. Your Word. Your Way. Your promises. Your wisdom. Your protection. I want to live here. Proverbs 15. “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words cause quarrels” (v. 1). Other verses refer to: wise teachers and joy, rebellious teachers and foolishness (2); You watching everywhere, on both the evil and the good (3); gentle words causing life and health, griping bringing discouragement (4); fools despising a father’s advice, wise sons considering each suggestion (5)… truth and sanity going hand in hand.

Blessed God. I am at the very end of myself – a VERY good place to be actually. For it is here that I reaffirm that my only hope in ANY of this is YOU! You are my strength, my hope, my future, my past and my present. And in just confessing this truth and searching to substantiate it I am brought to another’s ‘Journals of the Heart’. http://www.journalsoftheheart.com/2010/05/i-am-lord-of-your-past-presnt-and-future-christ-the-light-of-the-world-in-you-fathers-love-letter-from-god/

I ask You Lord to either confirm or discredit her thinking as either “Real or Not Real” according to Your Word.

YOU matter to me. Being the woman You created me to be matters to me. Glorifying and enjoying You forever matters to me. Make it so in my life Dearest Lord. Take this bitter, angry, subliminal junk that is currently inside me and burn it Lord. Fire, refine and test me turning all worthless things to ash that I would truly experience Your promise of “beauty for ashes” (Isaiah 61:3).

I’m done Lord. Done with trying to live my life on my terms. I surrender. I give up. I’m Yours. Please work in me to make me whole. I love You. I thank You. Amen.

(741 words ~ 11:24 a.m.)