indifference

Saturday, March 3, 2012 (7:46 a.m.)

Most Amazing and Holy God,

Thank You that You are so good. Thank You that I can think and think and think some more, when in reality You’d much rather have me thank and thank and thank YOU. Help me do exactly that Most Loving God.

Thank You that You love me. As I awoke earlier thinking of feelings of indifference, I confess to being double minded this morning.

On the one hand, I continue coming back to thinking of the many things toward which I feel completely indifferent. On the other, I keep trying to manufacture the faith, hope and love with which to battle this indifference. It’s not working. I have yet to be able to think myself into caring.

Forgive me Father. For the longest time I have honestly believed that I wasn’t hurting anybody [except maybe myself L] by not caring about this, that or someone else. Not true.

With all the thoughts I’ve thought and songs I’ve sung [♫Yes, Jesus Loves Me♫ and ♫Jesus Loves Even Me♫] so far this morning, I have yet to be able to break free of my indifference. It seems to be holding me hostage.

Your Word tells me in Revelation 3:19, that You ‘continually discipline and punish everyone You love; so You must punish me unless I turn from my indifference and become enthusiastic about the things of God.’

Most Incredibly Loving Lord Jesus, I confess to You that I truly feel frozen in a state of not caring. It’s not on purpose. I didn’t set out to end up here. It was all so unthinkably subtle.

I started out not caring about one person, place or thing that inevitably led to another. And then to another. Before I knew it, the pattern had firmly established itself. Most Dear and Precious Father God, I desperately need Your help.

The other day Dearest Lord Jesus, I could NOT relax my left arm. There was no pain involved. It all stemmed from fear. The idea that it was sure to hurt kept me from being able to just give in to the attempted movement of it. That deeply internal guard I have put up to protect myself from perceived pain has truly frozen many things about me.

I feel trapped Blessed Three-In-One. I realize You are my only way out. Your will. Your way!

Turning to Mark 12:29-31 I review Your command that we are to “‘Hear O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only God. And you must love Him with all your heart and soul and mind and strength.’ The second [of the most important commandments] is: ‘You must love others as much as yourself.’ No other commandments are greater than these.”

Here I fully confess to You that I have truly been “going through the motions”, “acting as if”, wanting desperately to feel something I don’t. Forgive me I pray.

Reading the comment at the bottom of The Life Recovery Bible page, it says that like the Sadducees, our “book learning, even Scripture memory is not enough to keep us from sin or help us recover from our dependencies. We must know the living God personally and accept the help He offers as our Higher Power.”

Dearest, Most Blessed Father God, how I ask You to free me from this indifference. Help me care. Especially for all those people, places and things that I have both purposefully and unconsciously been pushing aside.

I love You Father. I love You Jesus. I love You Holy Spirit. I need You to each work in me that I would truly come to love others as myself. Perhaps that’s where I could begin? Please help me love myself. Enough to truly care again. Please. Thank You. Amen.

(634 words ~ 9:24 a.m.)