waiting on God

Friday, August 22, 2014 (6:45 a.m.)

Blessed Father God,

Good morning. I love You. I'm here. Willingly. Eagerly. Waiting. On You.

(8:13 a.m.)

What would it be like to truly wait on You?

I read about it in Your Word. I try to get an understanding of it. And when all is said and done I don't feel any closer to 'getting' it than I was before I started.

But here's something. Isaiah 40:31 in various translations. First, the standard (KJV), “But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength;”. There are transcriptions of waiting 'on' and 'for', but that's not what gets my tail wagging [so to speak].

There are mentions of expecting, looking for, and hoping in You. Trust is also used. The Expanded Bible puts it all together. “But the people who trust [hope in; wait on] the LORD will become strong again. They will rise up as an eagle in the sky [with wings like eagles]; they will run and not need rest [grow weary]; they will walk and not become tired [faint].”

I love when Your Truth is spelled out for me in words I can grasp and hold onto.

Father, as I once again make the decision to turn my will and my life over to Your care (Step 3 of 12), fully admitting my powerlessness and unmanageability of my life (#1) and truly believing in Your Power to restore me to sanity (2) I wholeheartedly ask You to work in, with, through and for me in all I encounter this day. Let my choices and interactions reflect Your good and Your glory. Lift me up, renew my strength that I would indeed soar as You would intend.

I love You Father. I want You. I need You. And I ask that You would do all that You must to make me into the woman You would have me be. I love You. Thank You. Amen.

(324 words ~ 8:56 a.m.)

again

Thursday, August 21, 2014 (7:27 a.m.)

Most Holy and Loving Father God,

Thank You! Thank You that even though I have long been absent from any kind of formal time with You, I know I am still loved by You. Thank You that Your love for each and everyone of us is not at all based on our own worthiness. Thank You that once again my very essence gives way to song. And again that song sings of hope.

♫On Christ, the Solid Rock, I stand; All other ground is sinking sand, All other ground is sinking sand♫

Father, thank You that here again I get to confess to You the sinking I have been experiencing. Sinking hope. Sinking thoughts. Sinking feelings.

But even there You never left me on my own. In my repeated refusal to turn again to Your Word, yesterday You got my complete attention in an absolutely unexpected other way. A crossword puzzle clue. “Total lack of interest”. Ennui. A word with which I was quite unfamiliar. Oh but it hasn't let me go.

A noun; meaning “a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement”. In this particular case I would insert the word “direction” in the “lack of” category.

As I look at the list given in the thesaurus I find “world-weariness”, followed immediately by “Weltschmerz”. Now we're on to something! I am not the only person to experience being weary of the world's pain. “Man's inhumanity to man” has haunted me for decades as I have tried so unsuccessfully not to be taken down by it.

Father, thank You for the resources You provide us to counter the attacks of the weariness of this world. Every single time I actually take the time to enter into Your Word again, a spark of hope appears. A flicker. Just enough to prompt a smile. A slow nod of the head. A willingness to believe and trust. To take courage. Be of good cheer. Not fear. Have faith.

Your Word packs a wallop Father! Forgive me for forsaking It in my determined refusal to actively participate in my own existence.

I laughed out loud yesterday when I read a “common behavior characteristic” in The Twelve Steps for Christians that describes me perfectly. “I'm just waiting for the right opportunity to become reinvolved in life.”

How's that for not being alone?

Thank You Father that I am NOT alone! You provide our every single need. Whether I accept Your provision is completely up to me. Continue Your work in helping me truly 'come to believe that a Power greater than myself [YOU] can restore me to sanity' (Step Two of Twelve).

I have not been functioning properly. My function has been impaired. Abnormal. Dysfunctional. I have not been living my days as You intend. At this current stage I have been refusing to even ask You what that actually is.

Work in me Father. With me. By me. For me. I am NOT alone in my weariness. You are right here with me. Use it and me to Your good and to Your glory. I love You. I want You. I need You. And I thank You! Amen.

(537 words ~ 10:46 a.m.)

In You

Wednesday, August 13, 2014 (10:55 a.m.)

Redlands Community Hospital Parking Lot

Holy Father,

Thank You! Thank You that in You I do not have to settle for less than what I want. In You I get to choose to hope. Desire. Want. Risk.

It's been so very long that I've been closing in on myself. So long since I've considered opening up and being honest. So long spent denying. Refusing. Not letting You work in me.

I stomp my feet. Turn my back. Whine. Grouse. And still You wait. Ever patient. Ever faithful. Thank You.

Hope. “Wisdom from the Lord”. Jeremiah 17:5-10. My heart IS “most deceitful and desperately wicked” (v. 9a). Oh, but You “the Lord, search all hearts and examine secret motives” (10a). You know me. I haven't even tried to hide my faults from You. I've let You see them just as they are. Angry. Bitter. Unforgiving! Tossed about like a wave of the sea (James 1:6).

But again, every hope I find is in Your Word. Jeremiah 17:7, “But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they go right on producing delicious fruit.”

I cannot possible flourish and grow without the nourishment that comes solely from You. You are my Hope.

I know You are working in us. I see it. I believe it. I trust You to know what You are doing. It has never been as I expected. I am rarely as faithful, hopeful or loving as I long to be. In and of myself I am completely unable to do and be any of all You want and have for me.

Continue Your work in, through, with and for me.

serene hope

Wednesday, August 13, 2014 (7:47 a.m.)

Holy Father,

I've been missing. Absent. Gone. I want very much to be present. Attentive. Alert.

(8:12 a.m.)

And again You don't fail me!

I'm honest with You and You speak to me. LOUDLY, through Your Word!

Thank You Father. Thank You that You love me even (especially!) when I don't/can't love myself.

I've been using the word 'unnecessary' to describe myself lately. Bobbing along without direction. Unwilling to hope or care about surrounding circumstances. It's not that I haven't tried, though I've yet to succeed.

I grumble to You. Snort. Think and behave badly. All the while working hard at not letting much of it show.

Forgive me. You've blessed me far too much to be treated with such disdain. I know that! And here is where the serenity begins...

A Life Recovery Bible Serenity Prayer devotion for Mark 14:3-9. “As we pray the serenity prayer, we learn to think in new ways. We learn to ask questions that lead us away from our destructive past and into a productive future. We begin to ask, What can we change in our situation? What things are beyond our control? What are our responsibilities in the situations we face?”

And just as I think I've read enough, “As we develop these new thought processes, we may lack confidence in our own wisdom and common sense. We may hesitate to carry out God's will if we are afraid of the criticism of the people around us.” Uh, hello!

The self-esteem has plummeted. Self-confidence is practically zero. Yet as I honestly confess this current state to You, I finally feel hope rising. Contemplating there being less of me reminds me there is more room for You.

The Message shares Jesus' words from The Sermon on the Mount by titling the first portion of Matthew 5 (vs. 1-12) quite simply, You're Blessed. His first teachings to those eagerly following Him began plainly enough, “You're blessed when you 're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and His rule.”

Oh Hallelujah! Blessed, Holy God, thank You for reminding throughout this whole current process that I am indeed supremely blessed. This I have not forgotten!

Oh, but not to leave it there. This morning I get to go over to the flip-side of the coin. Jeremiah 17:5-6, “God's Message: 'Cursed is the strong one who depends on mere humans, Who thinks he can make it on muscle alone and sets God aside as dead weight. He's like a tumbleweed on the prairie, out of touch with the good earth. He lives rootless and aimless in a land where nothing grows.'”

And here is where I'm practically too excited to sit still. There's a giant, “AHA!” growing inside that makes this whole time of feeling unnecessary seem more like a time of dormancy.

Finally AGOG enough to once again wholeheartedly say, “Thank You God!” Thank You for taking me from self to You. From aimless, to hopeful. An absolute serene hope that is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness.

Father. Daddy. Thank You.

pure and simple

Thursday, August 7, 2014 (6:42 a.m.)

Holy God,

I look to You. I long for You. I struggle. Rebel. Resist. Refuse. What in Your name is going on with me?

I know I am blessed. Beyond all rationale. Blessed for no other reason than You love me. You love me. Not that I loved You first. Or enough. No. You love me. Pure and simple.

(7:28 a.m.)

Father, I am asking, again, for You to do a work in me.

Something I cannot do for myself. I stumble. Try. Attempt. Fail. I want. Let go. Give up. Come again. I wander. And squander. Yet at the root of it all is the desire to love You as You desire to be loved.

There is a resistance, a rebellion of sorts, going on within me. I start to hope. Breathe deeply. Relax. Then I cut it short. Won't hope. Won't trust. Beware. Not the good sense of being alert to the dangers that may present themselves. No, no. The negative side of not letting my guard down for fear of being disappointed.

Yes. There's the truth. I've once again climbed back inside myself in an attempt to stay safe. Safe and locked away. Not allowing myself to hope is my own futile effort to waylay sadness. Which is actually ridiculous, because then I just find myself existing in a gloominess of my own making.

So. With all that being said. And rooted up. I turn again to You. Trusting. Hoping. Thinking. Asking. YOU have the power. You ARE the Power that can change all things. You know all that is going on in and around me.

You are my source of hope. Your Word offers us all the love and hope we need to proceed in the day to day living allowed us. I think I want more. I'm sure I need answers. Get it all figured out up front and then agree to rejoice.

You don't work that way. You loved me first (1John 4:19) so that I could love others. Purely and simply. I confess, I don't. Not always. I still find myself wanting more. It's my desire to see results. If I'm going to invest myself in someone, I want to experience the payoff. Again, not how You work.

Make me more like You. Weed out all that is causing me doubt. Anger. Bitterness. These are areas I was sure I could fight on my own. Not the case. I need You. I can't resolve to be better. Try more. I can only humble myself and ask You to do in and through, with and for me all that I cannot possibly do myself.

I am officially back to the “I can't. God can. I will let Him.” phase of asking You for help. I trust You. I believe You. I love You. And I want desperately for that to show in my choices of action.

I keep circling back to the unrelenting critical unforgiveness of myself that has so often plagued my being throughout the years. Clearly not Your best for any of us.

contradictions

Wednesday, August 6, 2014 (8:40 a.m.)

Mm, Father,

“I got nothing.” Really, truly, I have EVERYthing. When it comes to expressing it, I lack words. Emotion. So many blessings. So little awe and wonder.

blessed

Tuesday, August 5, 2014 (7:30 a.m.)

Holy Father,

You bless us. Not because we deserve it. Because You are good. Kind. Loving. Holy.

Father, thank You. Thank You.

I get to...

Monday, August 4, 2014 (8:22 a.m.)

Holy Father God,

Thank You. I get to sit here and choose time to be alone with You. I get to listen and hear. I get to look around and see. I get to choose. Thoughts. Actions. Deep, cleansing breaths.

Thank You Father. Thank You that right in the midst of carefree, intentional yard work yesterday I recognized angry, bitter feelings. A sense of not caring. Not wanting. Not understanding. It was all very uncomfortable. I didn't want to feel what I was feeling. I tried working harder. Then not working at all. I attempted communicating with others followed by withdrawing altogether. Thank You that through it all I was aware of You. I knew it was not Your best for me and that it was not up to me to “fix” it.

I was honest. I was open. I was willing. And it passed. As suddenly as it had come upon me, it was gone. I felt it lift. Much like the change in the weather. Thank You Father. Thank You that even in my irritated, annoyed, vexed state You did not leave me alone.

This morning I get to look to You. I get to turn to page 247 in The Life Recovery Bible and read Free to Choose (Deuteronomy 30:15-20). I am free to choose because of all You have done on our behalf. And I am extremely grateful for Your tender care of our every need.

As I sit here reading and contemplating Your Word, I ask You to grant me the good sense to choose You. Verse 20 (Contemporary English Version) tells us to, “Be completely faithful to the Lord your God, love Him, and do whatever He tells you. The Lord is the only one who can give life and He will let you live a long time in the land that He promised to your ancestors Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.”

My head and my heart both know this to be true. I believe it because I get to want to! Here, sadly for me, is where the rubber too often meets the road. Knowing, believing and choosing doesn't always equate to faithful servitude on my part. Far too many times I give up, quit, fail to continue because of opposition of almost any kind.

Father, I ask You to work in and through me this day. Do all You must to make me faithful (Revelation 2:10). Loving. Kind. Earnest (Revelation 3:19).

Yes Father. The Easy-to-Read Version translates Jesus' words as, “I correct and punish the people I love. So show that nothing is more important to you than living right. Change your hearts and lives.” 

Help me make that change in all I am, think, say and do this day. Let me love and reflect You well. Thank You. I love You. Amen.

 (476 words ~ 9:07 a.m.)

immediate vicinity

Sunday, August 3, 2014 (9:11 a.m.)

Holy Father,

I love You. You amaze and delight me. Often. Thank You. Right now, this very minute we are experiencing a tropical type morning. Overcast. Breezy. With sounds of birds and banana palms in the immediate vicinity.

Deep breath. Heavy sigh. Blessed Father, how I look to You to lead and guide us this day.

The thoughts of what a perfect day for yard work mingle with the idea of just sitting and enjoying the brief break in the weather forecast. I could far too easily be swayed one way more than another.

How perfect that You would have me turn to Joshua 9. The people of Gibeon were aware of their helplessness against the Israelites so they set out to deceive Joshua and Your people. Being from the immediate vicinity of Joshua's camp, the Gibeonites deceptively pretend to have traveled a great distance. Joshua's buys into the ruse. Hook, line and sinker.

Thank You Father that I have these examples of deception to remind me that even Your chosen people are easily led astray. The Israelites made their decision based on what thy saw. Tattered clothes and moldy bread. They did not seek Your guidance. How often am I at fault of the very same?

As I read again of Joshua's faith in You, I am reminded that his faith “did not result in a life free from battles. The battles were to be fought and won through continued reliance on God” (The Life Recovery Bible comment for Joshua 8:10-23). Thank You for continuing to teach me that “Like Joshua, we need to persevere with God's strength and resist the tendency to run from our own personal battles.”

Okay. Yard work it is! Guide me. Fortify and pace me. Lead me as only You can. I love You. I long to serve You. Let me freely share You with others. Thank You Father. Aloha. Shalom. Amen.

(325 words ~ 10:06 a.m.)

finding

Friday, August 1, 2014 (7:03 a.m.)

Blessed Father,

Good morning. I love You. What do you have for me to learn this morning?

I have thoughts. Concerns. Requests for other people. The more time I spend with You, the more I want others to know and trust You. How do we make that happen?

How do we go from counting and depending on ourselves to being sure of and trusting You?

You amaze me! Again. Still. Always.

I ask. You answer. Clearly. Plainly. Perfectly.

Thank You. Sitting. Thinking. Wondering. Looking. Asking, seeking, knocking. Next ~ singing. And finally, finding.

Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord, with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will direct your paths.”

We get to come to You with everything. It doesn't matter how messed up we may be in our thinking. We get to bring it all to You and Your Word and find Truth. How awesome is that? How awesome are You!

Thank You Father. Right in the very midst of me again wondering what (if any) words I ought to offer a much loved one, Your Truth started singing right when I needed it most.

♫Trust in the Lord with all your heart And lean not on your own understanding In all your ways acknowledge Him And He shall direct your path♫

Father, thank You. Your Word tells us to seek and we will find (Matthew 7:7b). Thank You that Your Word is Truth (John 17:17). Thank You that we are called to trust in and depend on You.

I ask You to make it so for us today. Continue Your work in Your people that we will readily, willingly and ably come to trust You with all of our hearts, souls, minds and strength (Mark 12:30). Loving You and each other as only You can orchestrate.

I love You Father. Let me serve You wisely and well this day. Empower and embolden me to Your end. Thank You. I love You. Amen.

(343 words ~ 8:03 a.m.)